25) THE BLACK KEYS. "LITTLE BLACK SUBMARINES."
I don't know if I like the Black Keys infiltrating the world of rock music. I am not entirely comfortable with their presence on this list, and I stare at them warily, frowning, through narrowed eyes. That said, this is probably my favorite Black Keys song, or at least it's the Black Keys song I dislike the least. The vocals are honest and haunting, and when the instrumentals kick it up a notch midway through the song, it really does actually qualify as rock.
24) MUSE. "MADNESS."
This song is so bland, slow, boring, and devoid of substance that it barely exists, so it is fitting that it would be performed by the lifeless shells of people that used to be Muse. Back in the day, listening to Matthew Bellamy was somewhat like watching a stunning acrobatics show. Seriously, check out Origin of Symmetry. It's like the Cirque du Soleil of vocal cords. This song sounds like he conceived, wrote, and performed it without even getting out of bed, or even sitting up, or even waking up.
I understand that doing that Twilight song somehow killed Muse's creative career (when it comes to rock bands, I am a believer in 'the Twilight Curse') and in a devastating scene reminiscent of the ending of a Henry James novel, they realized they could never be as they once were but yet they still had to find a reason to keep living, and along those lines they should probably release a couple more albums as long as people would still buy them. And so they began doing lame covers of opera songs (I wish I were kidding about that), Chopin etudes, and, apparently with this new album, which I never plan on listening to, they make a halfhearted venture into dub step. But, I haven't given up on poor Muse, because they could actually be on to something with their new musical style. I really think that "Madness" could be a viable alternative to anesthesia.
23) CHEVELLE. "HATS OFF TO THE BULL."
Remember when more music was like Chevelle? There was no reason to really take much notice of Chevelle when they were just one of many quality rock bands topping the charts. I liked them, but I didn't love them, especially after they released that crappy "Shameful Metaphors" song in 2009 and I kinda wrote them off for a while. But now, I look to them as the potential saviors of rock music. You'll understand once you've read more of this list. This list is mostly made up of music that I don't believe to actually be rock, and the sleepy skeletons of bands that used to rock. Chevelle sounds just like they always did. And this year, that's what puts them in a class of their own. I feel that I've been thirsting for rock music, staggering through the desert that is this new alternative crap, and just as I am about to collapse, parched, onto the sand, Chevelle shows up, luminous, and offers me a drink of water. Water I'd have taken for granted a few years ago, but after my time in the desert, it sure is sweet.
22) GREEN DAY. "OH LOVE."
Let's go back in time a few months. Before Billie Joe's breakdown. Before the Twilight Curse killed Green Day. When this song suddenly burst onto the airwaves, promising a bountiful season of Green Day to come. It's not your typical Green Day song, but it's similar enough to their signature sound; it's not like they pulled a Muse or anything. It's a happy, likable song, and I look at it with a bittersweet fondness, forever to be remembered as the last single released before Green Day became dead to me.
21) OFFSPRING. "DAYS GO BY."
Poor Offspring. Poor Days Go By. This somewhat generic but well-meaning song had plagiarism threats hurled at it because some people decided it was ripping off the Foo Fighters' "Times Like These." Honestly, I don't see it. I mean, if you were going to accuse the Offspring of trying to copy the Foo Fighters, you probably should have done so in 2007, the year that saw the release of the Foo Fighters' "Echoes, Silence, Patience, and Grace" and Offspring's "Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace." I remember I wanted both these albums for Christmas, but could never remember which nouns went with which band, so they never made it onto my list.
All Foo controversy aside, this song is ok. I miss the Offspring of the 90's, but I really did appreciate the aforementioned "Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace." With infectious, energetic anthems like "Hammerhead," "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid," and "Half-Truism," that album was one that was meant to be blasted at top volume. And now, with "Days Go By," it's as if... as if the rebellious youth ready to take over the world in their 2007 album endured some hardships on his quest, some disillusionment, some Lifetime-movie-esque coming-to-terms-with-things, and now he has returned a failure, a sadder but wiser man, bent but not broken, and seemingly aged twenty years. Rather than telling us to hit 'em right between the eyes, he's sitting us down on a park bench, much like the bench the old man and the little boy are sitting on on the front of the album (who EVER thought that would be Offspring album cover art?) and sharing the life lessons that he learned the hard way. And it's still a pretty decent song. Thanks, Grandpa.
20) SOUNDGARDEN. "LIVE TO RISE."
Decent song. Typical Soundgarden fare, but I don't think it's got the staying power of some of their old classics. We're happy to listen to it this year, but will we remember it when the end of 2013 rolls around? I doubt it. Of course, I can be wrong about these things (see #15).
19) MUMFORD AND SONS. "I WILL WAIT."
Mumford and Sons have their place, but it's not on a rock station. This song sounds like something I'd expect to hear in the following scenario: I'm walking down the main street of some city whose downtown area is merely a single street, like Plainfield. It's a Saturday night and all the bars are packed, so I slip into the one that looks most promising as far as getting a seat, a quiet little pub. A couple guys are setting up guitars and sound equipment in the corner of the bar (I'm not thinking a bar with a stage here) and I'm pleasantly surprised there wasn't a cover. These must just be some locals glad to get the exposure. Then they play the song "I Will Wait," and I enjoy it while tapping my foot and sipping a beer.
That's where this song would make sense. But hearing it on a rock station? Wtf.
18) COLDPLAY. "PARADISE."
Initially I liked this song more than most Coldplay songs, even though the chorus is a rather annoying repetition of "Para, Para, Para Dise, Para, Para, Para Dise" and there's lots of that "OOOWOOOOOOoooooOOOO" stuff Chris Martin usually does that sounds like someone is torturing him by twisting his balls or something. I liked it because the lyrics are quite relatable, it's about a girl whose life isn't what she hoped it would be, so she can only escape in her dreams.
Then I lost all respect for the song after seeing the music video. The music video is a few intelligence-insulting minutes of people running around in stupid-looking elephant suits.
Elephants or no elephants, I'm once again not sure how this song is considered "rock." But then again, that goes for about half the songs on this list. Maybe I don't know what rock is anymore.
17) FOO FIGHTERS. "WALK."
This song was #5 last year, and I wrote the following review:
Foo Fighters, you are gods of rock and people are going to worship at the church of Grohl no matter WHAT you do, but would it kill you to put a little more effort into your music? Actually, it might kill you, because you've got to be getting kind of old, so if this is the most effort you can put forth, that's fine, it's still not a bad song, and it's SO much better than "Wheels" (which made me strike you from my list of favorite bands forever, even my long list of favorite bands, whereas before "Wheels" you were actually on the hallowed short list). But it sounds just like at least two of your other recent songs. And did you REALLY rhyme "Learnin' to walk again" with "Learnin' to talk again"? Oh well. I can't really criticize you. I am a mere mortal after all.
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Reminds me of another kind of older band who are slowin' it down a bit imparting wisdom and life lessons in their songs. Kind of makes me wonder if the Foo Fighters are copying Offspring...
16) SHINEDOWN. "BULLY."
I'm happy to see this song on the list. Sure, there are Shinedown songs I like better, but this song gets played on my favorite station. It's a station that only comes in when I'm driving north or when I'm in Joliet or Kankakee, and it's a station that doesn't stomach any of the new alternative stuff (you will never hear Black Keys, Group Love, Foster the People, Fun, or Of Monsters and Men on this station). Their frequently played motto is, "We drink beer, ride motorcycles, and play rock and roll." That's the kind of song this is. It's the motorcycles and beer kind of rock, not the skinny jeans and bottled water rock. Not saying there isn't a place for both, but I wish this top 25 list weren't so lopsided.
15) BUSH. "THE SOUND OF WINTER."
I can't believe this song made the top 20 AGAIN. It was #18 last year. And it's such a mellow, bland, innocuous song I couldn't even write anything witty or interesting about it, so I'm not even going to bother copy-pasting my review. It's not a bad song, but... is this really going to be the anthem of the 2010's?
14) ALEX CLARE. "TOO CLOSE."
My boyfriend hates this song. When it comes on in the car, he undergoes a transformation much like David Hasselhoff's in the musical "Jekyll and Hyde," except with slightly less pyrotechnics. I think he has chosen this song as the one target onto which he projects all his hatred for dub step, and that's a whole lot of hatred for just one song to bear. I really think he should consider distributing his dub step hate across multiple songs (like, say, #24) so he's not setting himself up for a Too Close-induced aneurism.
I guess my boyfriend isn't completely alone in blaming Too Close for all that is wrong with music today and labelling Alex Clare as the dub step AntiChrist. I did find this review that seems to agree with him.
However, when I'm looking for songs to hate from this year, I find MUCH better targets than "Too Close." I think the vocal performance is good, the lyrics actually meaningful, and the dub step not that offensive. I'm not gonna run out and buy an Alex Clare album, but I really don't mind the song.
Don't tell my boyfriend.
13) FUN. "SOME NIGHTS."
What the heck is this. This sounds like it was written for a high school choir. It sounds like it was written for an ABC Family Movie of the Week about a boy and his dog. I can hear them playing the chorus "OOOH OHHH, OH OH OHHHH OH" as they show the dog romping through a field, the boy chasing after him in overalls with a jar ready to catch dragonflies or some other mischief. Whatever this song is, it's not rock.
I was really surprised recently to learn that the lead singer of Fun used to be the lead singer of The Format. This mainly surprised me because The Format didn't suck. I wonder what caused this shocking descent into suckery. Then again, Fun is experiencing success that The Format never could have dreamed of, so who am I to judge...
12) M83. "MIDNIGHT CITY."
The intro to this song is really annoying, whatever the heck instrument that is. But if you don't turn it off right after the intro, and the song actually starts, it's so boring and bland that you're kind of anesthetized and don't even realize music is playing anymore. It's kind of like when a mosquito bites you. You feel the prick at first, but if you don't swat it right away, you stop feeling it and you're totally unaware you're being bitten. So, I guess the best thing I can say about this song is that it probably won't give you West Nile.
11) CHEVELLE. "FACE TO THE FLOOR."
So, I've already discussed how Chevelle is the one glimmer of hope in this list, and that assessment is actually more due to "Face to the Floor" than "Hats off to the Bull." This song rocks more than any of the others listed. So, as a New Year's present to everyone, I'm going to link the music video.
10) THE LUMINEERS. "HO HEY."
What the HECK is this. WHAT. THE. HECK. This song makes me think of a youth group, we're talking like 7 or 8 years old, but idealized 7 or 8 year olds from a 1950's sitcom, having their Friendship Week bonfire and then the youth group leader pulls out a guitar and is like, "Hey kids! I'm going to treat you to a song I wrote!" "Oh boy, a song!" exclaim the fresh-faced youngsters. And for added interactive joy, the song includes lots of yelling, "Ho! Hey!" so the kids are squirming with delight as they get to join in the musicmaking. In fact, by the end, they may have even cutely learned some of the lyrics of the chorus (considering it's just, "I belong with you, you belong with me, my sweetheart," it's really not hard). They're having so much dang fun that the youth group leader has to inform them, between the last "ho" and the last "hey" that this is the last one. After all, it's almost 8 p.m.! Yikes, it's bedtime! Actually, the inter-hohey "last one" announcement is the only part of the song I like, because at least I know it'll be over soon.
9) IMAGINE DRAGONS. "IT'S TIME."
This song does not belong on rock stations, but it does belong in commercials for every uplifting coming-of-age movie ever made. I am actually pretty convinced that's what the song was written for. Imagine Dragons were sitting around browsing imdb, and one of them suddenly announced, "Hey, there's gonna be a movie version of The Perks of Being a Wallflower in 2012! We better get on that. Where's the song we wrote that got rejected for the Marley and Me commercials? That could work."
8) FUN FEATURING JANELLE MONAE. "WE ARE YOUNG."
More Fun. Well, you already know what I think of Fun. This was the first single I heard of theirs, then "Some Nights" was worse, and don't even get me STARTED on the crap they have on the radio now.
But I don't hate this song. It does get old, but- it's more interesting than their other songs. It tells a story. I actually stop mourning the death of rock music for a moment and instead I find myself picturing the bar the guy is in, he's maybe a little drunk, he's trying to pour his heart out to his ex, yearning to just somehow, just for this night, make everything ok again. At least that's how I interpret it. Part of it actually kind of tugs at my heartstrings. The lines "Now I know that I'm not all that you've got, I guess that I, I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart" are actually somewhat moving in the little storyline I've pictured. But, then the chorus kicks in, and mentions setting the world on fire, which I think is one of the most overused cliches in song lyric history. And there are some annoying Na Na Nas and stuff.
Still. If you only listen to one Fun song this year, a) you're lucky and b) make it this one.
7) OF MONSTERS AND MEN. "LITTLE TALKS."
I hate this song. So. Much. I don't think I can write anything coherent about it, because my brain is trying to eat itself right now. You see, when this song comes on the radio, I instantly go into kill mode, but in that instance, my killing energy is directed toward the radio (I want to find a way to sue Of Monsters and Men for the teeth marks on my radio's tuner button). But right now, I'm just listening to it in my mind, so my killer instinct is directed toward myself, and my brain is doing something akin to a rabbit caught in a bear trap chewing its own leg off because having three metaphorical brain legs is better than having to listen to "Little Talks." See, I'm not even making any sense anymore, so I think I'd better take my remaining brain matter and move on to #6 beforewraeworiewtwetgh4riuhgtta4t80
6) GROUP LOVE. "TONGUE TIED."
Whew. That was close.
This song is grotesque. First of all, it's so dumb that I am embarrassed for humankind when I listen to it. Second of all, it actually has the words "beddy bye" in it. But mostly, it's grotesque because midway through the song, the already terrible vocals dissolve into lots of hideous moaning and wailing that can only mean one thing- the guy who was twisting Chris Martin's balls during #18 has moved on to a new victim and is now disemboweling the lead singer of Group Love.
5) THE BLACK KEYS. "GOLD ON THE CEILING."
This song is one of the biggest disappointments of the year. The instrumental intro kind of draws you in, you think this is going to be an interesting song, and then--all the energy is completely zapped when the lackluster vocalist starts warbling. It's kind of like getting a beautifully wrapped present, excitedly pulling off all the layers of shiny paper, and then realizing whoever gave it to you forgot to actually put anything in the box.
4) GOTYE FEATURING KIMBRA. "SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW."
Oh, what to say about this song. The first time I heard it, I remember thinking, "That's kind of interesting." Not interesting as in I wanted to hear the song again, but interesting as in, hmm, it starts off so quiet and then gets loud, and it's kind of cool that a girl (presumably the other side of the story Gotye is telling) comes in and sings one verse, and is that like a xylophone or something?
But I didn't really care to hear it again. Especially not 7000 times.
The frustrating thing about this song was that not only was it overplayed, but it fell into every defined genre. It was pop. It was "alternative rock." It was soft rock. It was top 40. They made a dance remix, so it was dance. So there was no escaping it. So many times I'd flip between the stations looking for something, anything, that was not Gotye, but would just find that every station was at a different point of "Somebody that I Used to Know."
I can kind of tell why Gotye's ex had to go to such great lengths to block him out now.
3) LINKIN PARK. "BURN IT DOWN."
Linkin Park. Another victim of The Twilight Curse.
After Twilight killed Linkin Park, the empty corpses of what used to be Linkin Park managed to zombie together an album called "A Thousand Suns." The devastation caused by this apocalyptically crappy album cannot be accurately measured, because in addition to the body count and the destruction of property you also have to figure in the emotional damage.
Linkin Park actually snapped out of it a little bit when they realized that the first single alone from "A Thousand Suns" had caused five hurricanes, made gas prices soar, and led to the extinction of 40 endangered species plus 6 species that had not been endangered prior to the album's release. Therefore they promised that the next album would be more true to the old Linkin Park sound.
That album, which includes "Burn It Down," doesn't really sound like the old Linkin Park. More like Linkin Park Lite. But, I'm willing to forgive them for not quite rediscovering their roots, because, after all, they were zombified by Twilight, and, more importantly, this song is roughly a thousand times better than "A Thousand Suns."
2) FOO FIGHTERS. "THESE DAYS."
Oh Foo Fighters. More life lessons from you wise old men. Yes, one of these days, I bet my heart will be broken, and I bet... HEY, WAIT A SECOND! Doesn't this sound an AWFUL lot like the theme of "Days Go By" by the Offspring?
Seriously, Foos, it kind of sickens me that you insist on copying the Offspring's every move and capitalizing on the Offspring lead singer's devastating but enlightening failed world conquest. I will let it slide, just because this is still better than "Wheels," but please, TRY to do something original next time.
Actually... I did kind of like some of the other songs on your latest album. The ones that never made it onto the radio were more interesting than "Walk" and "These Days." Even your other single released this year, "Bridge Burning," was better than these. So why do only the blandest songs become superhits?
Foo Fighters are actually going on indefinite hiatus. I assume they will use their time off to ponder the mystery above, to learn to walk and talk again, and to stalk the Offspring so they can continue to steal and remarket all of their life lessons.
1) THE BLACK KEYS. "LONELY BOY."
I don't think we can call this the top rock song of the year. In my mind, "These Days" will have to be considered the top rock song of the year. Whatever else I might say about that song, it's at least in the genre of rock.
What genre is "Lonely Boy?" Well, it's maybe one of the more upbeat songs you'd hear while you're browsing the merchandise in the store portion of a Crackerbarrel restaurant, post-biscuits and gravy. Or maybe it's a song you'd hear when you reached Fort Kearney in the old Oregon Trail computer game and you were stocking up on wagon parts and oxen feed. And I don't really know what I'd call that genre, but the Black Keys seem to have mastered it.
Yes, Black Keys, this really was your year. And the interesting thing is, you've actually been around for a long time. You were in the music business for several years before really making it big, lying dormant, waiting for the right time to strike. And as soon as rock music showed signs of weakness, you went for the throat.
Oh, but rock will fight back. True, most of our heroes are now grandfatherly figures or Twilight zombies, but new heroes will rise, and we'll go headbanging our way to the top of the charts again...
...won't we?
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