I don't want to look bug-eyed anymore

Part One: The Social

I had a friend tell me once that when I'm in a social situation, like a party or group outing, I kind of look at everyone with this wide-eyed look on my face that seems to be begging, "Please like me, please like me." That was years ago, but it's stuck with me ever since. Partly because I don't know why this is a bad or at least an inexcusable thing. This friend said it as if it truly bothered him/her (identity protection). I didn't like hearing it, but I'd think he/she could understand why I look like that, given my history of an almost complete inability to form or maintain friendships and also of having resting bitch face.
Do I want people to like me? Yes. Guilty as charged. I honestly don't know if I'm an introvert or an extrovert. While I may look extremely unapproachable, be uncomfortable in most situations, be afraid of everyone, suck at talking and socializing, be really quiet, give off radioactive introvert vibes, and have resting bitch face, I really hate being alone. I like people. Unless I feel like they're judging me or my face.
Recently, I went to one day (turned out only being half a day) of Riot Fest by myself. My friend Evan was performing at 12:45 on Saturday, so I got there at noon, figuring that would be plenty of time to make his set. I was wrong. I had to go to the end of one of the longest lines I'd ever seen. Shortly after I got in line, a trio of males who seemed to be around my age got in line behind me, laughing and sharing anecdotes of how much fun they'd had yesterday, how muddy they'd gotten, and how hilarious one of them had been after drinking too much.
After I'd been in line for a little bit, I heard someone ask, "What about you, with the blonde hair? Who are you excited about seeing?"
I self-identify as a brunette, but a quick glance around revealed everyone nearby's hair to be a much darker brown than mine. "Me?"
The person who'd asked me this question was named Zack, and he seemed to be this trio's ringleader. I explained to him that I was here to see a friend's band, really hoping I could get in in time, and was here by myself. He said no problem, I could hang out with him and these two awesome guys he just met yesterday!
Just met yesterday? How do you forge friendships so quickly? Could I learn from this person? Regardless, I had people now! "What bands are you planning on seeing?" I asked.
I didn't like any of the bands he wanted to see. Oh well who cares, as long as I get to see Evan's band (check watch again) I'm sure any band I see at Riot Fest will be fun. So I nodded approvingly and said "Ok!"
We waited in line a while longer. During this time the guys talked about bands they'd seen, music, etc. I liked a lot of the music they liked, maybe didn't know music as well as they do (haven't followed music since Q101 went off the air and also don't play any instruments, having played piano a decade ago doesn't count) but worked myself up to making a small contribution every now and then and dammit if I didn't have the most wide-eyed "like me" face, I probably did, though I might have messed that up because I was kind of preoccupied with the time and worried I wouldn't get to see Evan. So maybe I appeared uptight. Who knows? Zack was anything but uptight and kept the conversation running. He asked questions to the group like what superpower would you have if you could have any superpower. I was astounded. If you can ask that question of people you just met, you have to be pretty socially adept. If a really socially awkward person asks that question, people end up thinking they're asking it for serious purposes or for some R-rated graphic superhero novel they're going to write about you when they get home instead of just as a jolly topic of conversation.
At one point Zack mentions how at Riot Fest this year, even though he ended up having to go alone, he's already made "two... and a half? Friends. She's ok, when she talks."
How is it ok to say this about someone, right in front of her?
Zack continued, "She's thinking, I don't have time for these people, I don't have the energy to keep up with these young folks."
Are those the kind of vibes I'm giving off? And why is it ok to talk FOR someone right in front of her? And HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?
At around 12:40, the line exploded. Like, it stopped being a line. Everyone simultaneously got fed up and decided to charge the entrance. And I saw my new half-friends running beside me. And I saw them looking at me, and veering to the right to go to a different entrance.
I had tried. But I was alone. I had lost my people. They even knew exactly where to find me because they knew what band I was heading for, but they consciously decided to ditch me. WHAT ABOUT OUR HALF FRIENDSHIP? I EVEN TOLD YOU WHAT SUPERPOWER I WANTED!
For the rest of the day, I wandered around narrating my actions in my head as if I were some unapproachable ice goddess and not the sexy kind of goddess but the kind with fear and trembling and stuff. Look at her walk among the crowds. She is in them, but not of them. I could mingle with humanity but only briefly before they realized I was something else, something entirely unrelatable and unappealing.
At some point a young woman asked me, "Would you like to come inside of our interactive van?"
DEAR GOD YES I DID. I DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF INTERACTION GOES ON IN THERE. JUST DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE OUT HERE.
Luckily, I ended up not dying in the van, just looking at some screens with stuff on them, pressing a button, and installing an app on my phone that I don't think ever actually installed.
That was my only interactivity that day, sadly, but I did go to see the bands that the ice goddess saw fit to bless with her presence.

Part Two: The Purpose

Women like to hate each other. We have to reinforce the rules that career life track women don't hate those who sacrificed career for family and vice versa. But there's no rule saying I can't hate anyone, because when God sat down at His computer and popped in His heavenly version of The Sims so He could create a Mandie, He didn't really give her a life track or whatever those things were called, that might have actually been in The Sims 2. And I don't know what the cheat code is to give your Sim a life track (or whatever it's called) if you accidentally forgot to give your Sim one, so until then... what is my purpose?
I don't know. I used to really want to find out what happened next on The Walking Dead, but it's kind of sucked since season 3, and don't even mention The Winds of Winter because IT'S NEVER HAPPENING, EVER.
At the age I'm getting to be, someone should have a purpose.
When you're in your late twenties, make sure you never stay out too late or drink too much in a college town. I made this mistake recently. You'll have to deal with people checking your ID commenting on how old you are.
Why do they comment on how old I am? Maybe they're worried I'll walk into this college bar and get my cougar on. Maybe even the person checking IDs is younger than me and worried this desperate, drunk, nearly-tri-generian is gonna cougar all over him. "PLEASE MARRY ME BEFORE MY BUTT STARTS TO SAG, I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE BRIDES WHO HAVE TO WEAR SPANX UNDER THEIR WEDDING DRESSES"
More likely, they wonder how I've gotten to this stage in life and don't have anything more important to do than go out to a college bar on a Saturday night.
So, what should my purpose be? I guess I really do like to sleep. Well, I can't really sleep in past 7 a.m., never have been able to, but if you catch me on a good night, not to brag or anything, but I can go to bed at 8 or 9 o'clock and keep that goin' ALL THE WAY til 7 a.m. I know, right? Gifted.
So I'm either a really old college student or a really young octogenarian.

Part Three: The Function

I have an English degree. It's not an English Education degree. I have zero education certificates. Having an English degree does not qualify you in any way to be a teacher. I am not a teacher. I can't be a teacher. I never wanted to be a teacher. That is why I'm not using my English degree to be a teacher.
Glad we got that out of the way.
When you work at a technology company and you're the only one there not with a technology background, you're going to feel desperate to feel that you have any sort of function in the company.
During daily standups, you're going to feel like that same bug-eyed girl you were years ago when you were criticized by your friend. "Please give me work to do. Please need me. Please."
You wonder if it's really the same type of impulse, the same type of desire, as the desire for social acceptance. Fitting in to some larger structure. Working, somehow.
Because whether we're talking about a party, society as we understand it, or a software company, nobody wants to be alone.