Most of us, at some points in our lives, will be searching for jobs while at other times we will be employed.
Since neither status is set in stone or is encoded in our genes, there's no reason why having a status that differs from your friends should cause any kind of rift or lack of understanding. HOWEVER, a very uncomfortable social situation occurs when you are in a relationship or employed and your single/unemployed friend complains to you or expresses sadness about being single/unemployed.
This is awkward because
a) You can't say "I understand," because even if you were single or unemployed too until yesterday, your friend will not believe that you could possibly understand.
b) Unless you decide on the spot to hire your friend or ditch your current significant other to date your friend, you cannot help your friend.
Because you can't offer sympathy and can't offer help, you will understandably be tempted to offer some kind of meaningless comforting phrase like the three listed below. Drawing upon my own experience of being single and unemployed and complaining about it, I'm begging you, don't. You mean well, I know you do. But you're only widening the gap in understanding.
Non-Comforting Tactic #1: "You'll Find Someone/Something"
When you tell someone "You'll find someone," you are making a promise based on absolutely nothing. If your friend actually believed you, the conversation might go something like this:IN RELATIONSHIP FRIEND: Don't worry! You'll find someone!
SINGLE FRIEND: How do you know?
IRF: Well, of course YOU wouldn't be aware of this, but being in a relationship gives you a certain level of clairvoyance. Therefore I can see your future while you, being single and lacking this sixth sense, cannot.
SF: WHOA! As if I didn't feel inferior enough! So... please tell me more! When will I find this someone? This year? Next year? Is there anything I might accidentally do that would alter the path of my future and somehow keep me from meeting this person? OH GOD, that would be terrible! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT NOT TO DO! My life is not my own now! I don't even know where to go to lunch... what if I choose Arby's at the last minute but was supposed to run into him at Steak n Shake?
IRF: Um... we relationship people can't tell outsiders TOO MUCH about the future... you know, prescience might cripple your single brain...
SF: Screw you, I'm buying a Magic 8 ball.
Just as bad (in fact, perhaps more annoying) is telling your friend that "Your match is out there somewhere" or "You just haven't found The One yet."
IRF: You see, the entire world is governed by laws of nature dictating that there is a perfect compatible match for every human being and that every human being will meet said match and have rewarding relationship with said match before child-bearing years are over. So, you just need to wait for nature to take its course.
SF: Interesting. Do these natural laws also dictate that my match will live in the same geographic region? Because, otherwise, it seems like there's a chance we might never actually meet.
IRF: Um, well, right NOW your match might live across the country, but eventually one of you will move to the other's area... you know, you'll be drawn to each other, kind of like magnets.
SF: So, by guaranteeing I'll find my match, you're also kind of guaranteeing I won't die in a fiery car crash before meeting my match. I mean, because, across the country, my match is probably being told by one of his friends who's in a relationship that his match is out there somewhere, and I can't die in a fiery car crash and prove his friend wrong.
IRF: Yeah, I guess.
SF: But you're in a relationship, so there's nothing preventing you from dying in a fiery car crash. Your match already met you.
IRF: ...Yeah, I guess.
SF: If you don't mind, I would rather drive places separately from now on.
There's not as much to say about the career aspect, because there aren't as many mystical beliefs or romanticized notions regarding finding a job. I did hear on the radio yesterday that there are three times as many people looking for jobs as there are positions available. So, when you tell your friend they're going to find a job, you're either really making a gamble, or you're promising to hire them. There's really only one graceful way out of this.
EMPLOYED FRIEND: You'll find a job!
UNEMPLOYED FRIEND: You're not just making a completely groundless statement based on nothing, are you? Because I may be unemployed but I'm not stupid.
EF: ...Of course not!
UF: It kind of sounds like you're calling me stupid, unless you're going to back up your claim with something that will actually make me feel better.
EF: Uh... I am hiring you right now... to stop complaining about not having a job... at a rate of $0.05 per day.
UF: Do I get paid time off?
EF: God, I hope not.
Non-Comforting Tactic #2: Relationships/Jobs Are Complicated, You're Lucky You Don't Have to Deal with Them
Yes, I actually have been told these things when single/unemployed. I have two basic arguments against this claim (even aside from the obvious that while you say that, I doubt you would trade relationship/employment statuses with me for anything in the world).- Complicated is not necessarily bad. Yes, being single or unemployed is simpler in a way because you don't have a relationship or job to put effort into or to screw up. But think about this. You're in a waiting room. You have two choices:
A) You'll be given a crossword puzzle. It'll be a difficult one, at the top end of your ability level. You'll be thinking hard, you'll get frustrated. You might be close to crumpling it up and throwing it at the wall at some point. But then you'll take a break, clear your mind, think of another way to approach #19 down. "What if 'flower' in this case is a play on words so that it means a river and not a plant?" And you're back to the puzzle, in turns enjoying it and being perplexed by it, feeling accomplished as you fill in squares, not even noticing the passage of time.
B) You'll be given nothing to do. You will sit. You will look around. You will feel a little bit of a sense of helplessness, because you don't know when anything is going to happen, when they're going to call your name. You feel awkward, like maybe you should be doing something right now, but there is nothing to do. Nothing to expend effort on. So you sit and stare.
B is simpler, for sure, but who would choose B? - One could just as easily say that being in a relationship or being employed is simpler than being single or unemployed. Because either of those things defines you and binds you to someone/something, whereas if you don't have a relationship or a job, especially if you're trying to look for one, your life is a staggering maze of possibilities.
For example, when you're single, a lot of social events can be challenging. You have to assess your standards. You have to assess your methods of trying to find someone. You have to constantly wonder how you're projecting yourself. You have to deal with people asking why you're single. You have to wonder what is a date and what is not. And you are vulnerable to all kinds of advances if you can't play the boyfriend card. Sure, you might say, but why can't you just SAY that you have a boyfriend when that 45-year-old 5' 2" tall guy with the creepy mustache swaggers over to you at the bar, elbows up beside you and asks what your story is? Yeah, you might be able to pull it off if you're a confident single person, but if you're socially awkward and a bad liar and feel like you have a SINGLE tattoo on your forehead, it's not easy.
Mustache Man: So, are you single?
Mustache Man Prey: Um, no, of course not. I'm not alone, someone cherishes me very much, I'm definitely not single and if I were single I would not be sad and bitter and defensive about it
MM: Come again?
MMP: Cough cough oh no tuberculosis acting up again bye
Being unemployed can also put you in a very complicated position. It's actually like being self-employed, because looking for and applying for jobs is like a full-time job, one with no time off, no pay, and no guaranteed positive outcome.
EF: Man, I hate having to make this commute every day and work my butt off for a boss who couldn't care less.
UF: Man, I hated driving two hours to a job interview for a job I found out was part time so it could keep me from getting a full time job if I accepted it, but at the same time it's something, and I could possibly find another part time job to supplement it, so I'm still waiting to hear back from them, then driving another 45 minutes for an open interview that I found out was 100% commission so there would be no guarantee I could even pay my rent, then going through 35 emails from job sites I've subscribed to, deleting the rejection emails and trying not to take them personally, and trying to decide whether I should stay up half the night applying to more jobs to increase the chance that someone, anyone might call me back or surrendering to the overwhelming sense of fear and despair gnawing at me and burying my face in my pillow and/or some vodka.
EF: So, basically, you were on the computer for half the day. I don't see what the problem is.
Non-Comforting Tactic #3: Getting Unreasonably Excited about People or Jobs Your Friend Is Not Interested In
Again, I know you mean well, and maybe you are genuinely excited about this person your friend doesn't like or this job that would make your friend miserable, because at least it's something, it's hope, right? But please, keep your excitement on the inside if this is someone/something your friend does not seem at all excited about. Otherwise, you make your friend feel like a pity case, and run the risk of sending the message, "You should be desperate by now; anyone/anything should be good enough for you."Example One: The Creepy Guy
IRF: Heyyy! I was outside taking call from my boyfriend, but did I happen to see a certain 45-year-old, 5' 2" tall guy with a creepy mustache chatting you up at the bar?SF: I'm not interested in him.
IRF: But he came up and talked to you! That should make you feel good! A guy likes you!
SF: Well, actually, even though I'm not seeing someone right now, I hadn't yet considered the possibility that I was completely unattractive and undesirable to all guys, so I'm kind of hurt that you're so surprised and happy right now.
IRF: It's just good to see you going out and meeting people, finally.
SF: Hey, you don't necessarily even know about all the people I meet! I turned down a date just last week...
IRF: Really? With who?
SF: Ummm... a guy
IRF: Surrreee
SF: Fine! It was a guy sitting across the aisle from me on the Metra with his shirt on backwards and brown teeth
IRF: Why'd you turn that down? Sounds like his teeth might go well with your hair
SF: JUST BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SINGLE FOR 2 YEARS DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO DATE ANYTHING WITH A Y CHROMOSOME AND A PULSE
IRF: So... are you saying I should modify that ad I put up on Craigslist on your behalf?
Example Two: The Interview for the Degrading Job
EF: What are you up to today?UF: I have a job interview at Burger King.
EF: Yay! An interview!
UF: No. You see, this is the Burger King next to my house that has had a huge sign in the window saying NOW HIRING, PLEASE APPLY, NEED PEOPLE BAD for the past few months. I could have gotten an interview there any time I wanted, but I'm just now getting desperate enough to go in. It's not an accomplishment, and if I do get this job, I'm going to have to lie about where I work and why I smell like fries.
EF: Hey, it's still a job, and you should be proud. It's something.
UF: True. It is something. It exists. It is definitely not nothing.
EF: Good luck!
UF: I don't know what you're possibly wishing me luck on, other than not impulsively crashing my car on the way there. Or the fact that I lied about my age and education level on the application and I'm hoping I don't slip up on that and further humiliate myself.
EF: Maybe one of these days I can come in and you can make me a burger!
UF: You would never eat at Burger King. You've said that on multiple occasions.
EF: ...I could at least come in and get a soda and say hi. You'll remember I like easy ice, right?
UF: I'll try my best.
EF: Aw, you did graduate with honors with a double major in communications and art history, I'm sure you'll do fine. Seriously though, no more than 3 ice cubes, k. And make sure it's diet.
In conclusion, none of the issues listed above should actually be issues. Anyone's relationship or employment status could change in a second- no one is protected against change, no one is guaranteed change. However, when the division between you and your single or unemployed friend is suddenly made painfully clear when they complain and look to you for a response you know they don't even want to hear, don't just say empty words. Say "I know." Say you hope things get better. And silently realize that happiness is dependent on more than relationships or jobs, and hope that happiness comes regardless.
