12 Happy 2012 Memories

It's the time of year when we're bombarded by top ten and bottom ten lists, by news stories forcing us to relive the most memorable moments of the past 12 months. In this post, I'm going to completely avoid negativity. I'm simply going to share 12 of the things that made me happy this year. Read on to discover three of my own personal victories, three music videos that will make you happy, three beers that will make you happy, and the "one" book, one movie, and one song that will always make me think of 2012.
THREE PERSONAL VICTORIES
VICTORY #1: GOING TO CHINA

How is this a victory, you might ask? Well, I'm absolutely terrified of flying, and I had never traveled alone before in my life. I tend to get lost a lot. I guess the closest I'd come to flying anywhere by myself was the time that I got really lost driving and ended up getting stuck doing several laps around O'Hare airport (which, by the way, was nowhere near my intended destination) because I couldn't figure out how I'd gotten into the airport parking lot and also couldn't figure out how to get out.
And I can't say that things exactly went smoothly. My flight was delayed an hour in taking off and an hour in landing. So, already arriving in Beijing two hours late, I was horrified to find out that none of the baggage carousels said anything about a flight from Seattle. After about 20 minutes passed, I tried to ask an airline employee about my flight, but she understood little English and only spoke enough to convey that this was where I wait for the baggage. In an attempt to keep my sanity, I stared at an advertisement for Yanjing beer that showed Chinese astronauts, in their spacesuits, enjoying a bottle of Yanjing. Maybe this was my type of country, after all.
Finally, FINALLY, my baggage came through (even though the sign above the carousel indicated that it was coming from Eastern Europe), and then I was free to wander out of the baggage claim area into the vast confusion that is the Beijing airport. At first my eyes just darted around wildly, but luckily after just a few minutes I saw a girl in a turquoise sweater sprinting toward me. And that's when I knew I'd made it, I could finally hug the sister I hadn't seen in nine months, and after 30 hours of travel and terror I could finally just relax. I think a loud sob escaped me as I threw my arms around her and let my blood pressure start to return to its normal state.
There were a lot more adventures to be had in China, of course. Temples, palaces, hutongs, an awesome morning hiking at the Great Wall, and even a trip to the Beijing Hooters.

But that exhausted, relieved, joyous moment when I first hugged my sister was probably the best of all.
VICTORY #2: DIAGNOSIS- BENIGN
Around Thanksgiving this year, I found out that I had a 2-inch tumor in my left breast.
Imagine the following situation. You're lying on your back, shirtless, on a table, as a doctor and two nurses perform a biopsy. You're numbed but you're awake, and you're trying so hard to scrutinize their faces. Staring at them so intensely you feel you could burn a hole through their skin. Are they frowning? WHY ARE THEY FROWNING? Even though they won't tell you anything until the results come back, of course, they must know something, they must be able to tell what it looks like...
Then, afterwards, as they're applying pressure to the incision and cleaning the area up, all of a sudden, one of the nurses freezes. Stares down at your breast and asks, "What is THAT?"
The other nurse's eyes widen. "I don't know. What IS that?"
At this moment, your heart pretty much stops. You were already so tuned into their facial expressions that now you have lost any sense of reassurance you might have had previously and your mind is spiraling out of control. Somehow, your medical condition has baffled even the professionals. You have fleeting images of being the first one to start a The Stand-esque superplague. Maybe you shouldn't have watched that miniseries twice. In fact, you really shouldn't have, because it kind of sucks.
"It's.... glitter." The tension goes out of the nurses' voices, and you realize you don't have the superplague, yet. She removes the offending sequin.
This was kind of a personal victory for my boyfriend against my sequined shirt. I think the shirt is cute and fun. He groans loudly every time I wear it to his apartment, because he knows he'll be picking mini-sequins off his couch for a week.
A week later, my results came back, showing the tumor was benign.
A month later, the shirt is still untouched on my floor. I don't know if I'll ever be able to wear it again.
VICTORY #3: EVERCLEAR PLAYS YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WHORE
A couple months ago, I went with Mollie, Keith, Mouse, and Chris to "rock out like it's 1999" at the Eve 6 and Everclear concert. The reason I went was to hear Everclear play one of my favorite songs, "You Make Me Feel Like a Whore."
This song never got nearly enough radio play. When Mollie and Rachel used to DJ their college radio station on Monday nights, I would set aside time every Monday night to contact the station and request "You Make Me Feel Like a Whore." Sometimes not even framing my request in a full sentence and just saying the title of the song, which, if they didn't know me, they might have found confusing.
I didn't know if Everclear would deliver, or if they would let me down. I'm getting really used to being let down by bands I've loved for a long time, and I wouldn't even say I ever loved Everclear, just that song.
For example (BEGIN UNRELATED STORY), 2012 was the year that my Green Day fanship finally ended.
I'd stuck by Green Day through a LOT. So why did I stop being a Green Day fan? Was it because they cancelled the concert I'd already bought tickets to? Was it that footage of Billie Joe puking onstage at the end of "Jesus of Suburbia?"
No. It was this video.

I can hear you now. "Do you really hate Twilight that much? What's wrong with Twilight?" Whether or not I hate Twilight is not the point. The point is, this is not Green Day. Like, imagine a punk band that has been around since the early 90's, has built up an impressive punk music loving fan base, and has always had a kind of independent, rebellious, I-don't-give-a-damn attitude that even works now that they're in their late 30's.
Then, suppose that band announces they're inviting the latest teen pop sensation (think Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift) to be their new permanent fourth member, and she's going to write some of their songs and choreograph their music videos.
It's like if the man you'd loved for several years suddenly revealed that he was really just a monkey in a man suit. I don't know them anymore.
(END UNRELATED STORY)
So, I was prepared to be betrayed by Everclear as well, and it sure looked like they were gonna betray me. Probably ten different times, the lead singer would bellow, "WE GOT SOME SPARKLE AND FADE FANS OUT THERE? LET'S PLAY A SONG FROM SPARKLE AND FADE!" And my heart would soar... and they'd play something... else. And I'd despair, because by the end of the concert I was thinking they'd played every single song off Sparkle and Fade EXCEPT "You Make Me Feel Like a Whore." What was this? The Sparkle and Fade tour?
But then... on the last song before the obligatory encore... when my legs were killing me and my eardrums were starting to hurt... the beautiful moment happened. And I threw up my rawk fist. And I sang at the top of my lungs. And I felt like a whore. Oh yes. I did.

THREE MUSIC VIDEOS THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY
(After all, you need to recover from the one I posted above)
VIDEO #1: PLEASE DO NOT WATCH PAST THE FIRST VERSE
I want to say first of all that this is a terrible song. It annoys me to no end. When I hear it on the radio I usually emit an agonized howl as my fist slams into the tuning button to kill it as quickly as possible.
But the first time I saw the music video, it made me happy. Because I think I'm cooler than the guy from Owl City. And you probably are too. I mean, just watch the first verse where he's singing. Have you ever seen a guy look so uncomfortable in his own skin? Have you ever heard someone sound so awkward when saying, with almost painful enunciation, the words, "I'm in if you're down to get down tonight?"
Now, he might be having a good time, but he sure don't look like it. And for someone who gets told enough that she looks tired or bored or sad or angry, I shouldn't make fun of the lack of fun it looks like he's having, but, I'm going to.

 

VIDEO #2: PLEASE DO NOT HATE ME FOR POSTING A TRAIN VIDEO
Obviously I'm not a Train fan either. But they play this video at the gym all the time, and it always makes me chuckle and forget that I'm on the treadmill.

VIDEO #3: I HAVE NO DISCLAIMERS OR APOLOGIES FOR THIS ONE
This video is pure joy. It's finally helped me overcome the crippling yeti-phobia I've had ever since I watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer as a very young child and it gave me nightmares.

THREE BEERS THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY
In case you didn't like the music videos above and need a drink, I'm going to share three beers I discovered for the first time this year that I think are worth a try.
1) GREEN LINE (Goose Island)
This is the most widely available beer of the three I'm going to mention--you can find it anywhere that has a sizeable beer tap--and it's a beer I'd recommend to pretty much anyone. That's because it simultaneously tastes like a light beer and an IPA, with even a hint of fruitiness. It's like a light IPA. And it's right up there with Blue Moon as far as my favorite non-obscure beers go.
2) ZOMBIE DUST (Three Floyds)
Like its delicious cousin Alpha King, this beer has just the right amount of hops, but it lacks Alpha King's citrusy notes, making the hops seem more powerful. And the picture on the outside of the bottle is pretty sweet, too.
3) GOLDEN MONKEY (Victory)
As you'd guess from the name, this beer is a beautiful golden color. It's light, smooth, and drinkable (maybe a little bit too drinkable) with a unique, mildly spicy flavor. The reason I say maybe a bit too drinkable is that this beer is deceptively strong... so proceed with caution.
BOOK OF THE YEAR: SONG OF ICE AND FIRE SERIES
When I went to China, I didn't really want to pack books, so I borrowed a friend's Kindle. He was kind enough to load some books he thought I'd like onto it, including the entire Song of Ice and Fire series. So, sitting at O'Hare awaiting my flight from Chicago to Seattle, I started reading Game of Thrones.
I didn't stop reading until six hours later when the plane landed in Seattle. And that's when I realized that the Kindle battery was almost dead... I was only 1/4 of the way through Game of Thrones... and I still had the 12-hour flight from Seattle to Beijing ahead of me.
Now, if you've read this post from the beginning, a) I'm amazed and b) you know I have problems traveling/navigating by myself. So, as I stumbled into the Seattle airport, trying to follow people who looked Chinese, I was being consumed by two fears: that I would not make my connecting flight, and that I would not find out what happened to the Stark family. I had to make a decision. Continue following Chinese-esque people in hopes of finding someone who would point me in the right direction, or stop at bookstore and load up on overpriced Game of Thrones books.
You can guess what I did. This actually led to even more panic, because it took a long time to find those books. I had to ask the clerk, who barely spoke English, and they were under scifi (which was separate from fantasy... what the heck?). I bought the first two books, then took off sprinting while weeping hysterically through the airport, because I thought I was running out of time. I didn't realize my flight would be delayed an hour. But you already knew that, if you've been reading from the beginning of this post (and again, if you have, I'm really amazed).
You may have seen the TV series, but I never had, and I thoroughly enjoyed the books. Pretty soon I had my mom and my sister reading them too so that we could bond over them. Occasionally we'll send each other texts that simply say "Hodor." So now, if you ever get one of those texts by accident, I know you'll understand.
MOVIE OF THE YEAR: CABIN IN THE WOODS
I won't tell you too much about Cabin in the Woods, because much of the joy of this movie comes from not knowing what to expect. But just know that this movie is like every single novel my sister and I ever tried to write together (which, to be fair, is only about two). So, now that I've seen Cabin in the Woods, I can now say that my life's work is done (and way better than I probably would have done it, too).
SONG OF THE YEAR: NO APOLOGIES
Calling this song a song is underselling it. This wondrous anthem stirs every emotion I have.
I couldn't find a good music video for it. There's a "real" music video but the acting in it is super crappy, and then there's this other video that's like plugging Sugar Red Drive merchandise, and I decided the crappy acting one was worse, so I'm posting the other one, because it's not like they're total sellouts, it's not like they're Green Day or anything. Besides, the point is not to watch the video but to hear the beautiful beautiful song, and I don't want to hear any of your "what is this misogynist Nickelbacky crap" comments because this song is the best thing to happen to anyone ever and taught me to love life again. So, on this note...

...happy New Year!

Four Bad Decisions Made During Blizzards Past

Some people, for reasons I cannot comprehend, are disappointed that the much-hyped Winter Storm Draco left us with nothing more than a dusting of snow. I was definitely not among those people. I hate snow. I loathe cold and I loathe precipitation, so the combination of the two stirs a hatred within me so potent that I can feel my eyes turning to liquid fire as soon as they are afflicted by the offending weather forecast. I find no beauty in snow. Not when it first falls, and not when it turns into a hideous brown slush when the thaw begins. And I am not a very confident driver in the best of conditions, so when it comes to driving in the snow, I'm often weeping and gripping the steering wheel so tightly that I'm surprised it has not permanently fused with my hand.
But aside from all of these reasons, I hate snow because I've noticed a pattern wherein I make particularly bad judgment calls during snowstorms. I'm going to tell you about the first four that come to mind. Actually, three of these happened during the same snowstorm...
I. FEBRUARY 2011 - WENT RUNNING
I'm sure everyone knows the snowstorm I'm talking about. Definitely the biggest one in the last several years. This was the snowstorm when virtually everyone I knew was off work, and when my brother went out with all his army medic gear to help people whose cars went into ditches. (In just a few hours, the number of motorists he'd helped was somewhere in the teens.)
I decided that morning would be a lovely time for a jog.
Now, mind you, there were a few obstacles. Like the fact that the sidewalks weren't cleared whatsoever. But the major roads were somewhat plowed, and it's not like there were any cars on them. And when else does a jogger get the privilege of running right down the middle of Wolf Road in the middle of the day?
I did see the occasional person out shoveling his/her driveway, and I generally was not met with kindness and acceptance. "You've got to be kidding me!" one man exclaimed. "DID YOU TAKE YOUR PILLS THIS MORNING?" another called after me. And yet another gaped at me and then pulled out a video camera and started taping me, steadily following me with the camera until I was out of sight.
While jogging was definitely more constructive than other things I ended up doing that day (read on), I ultimately felt it was a bad decision because a) during the portions of the run when I was going through knee-deep snow, my heart rate surged so high that I was actually concerned, and b) I was already uneasy at the idea of the random stranger sending the video footage to some news station, and it seemed like just the kind of stupid video they'd show to lighten things up during the last 2 minutes of the broadcast ("Suburban girl forgot to take pills!"). The jeers of my neighbors were already making me feel bizarre, like an outcast, the soon-to-be-infamous Crazy Running Girl. That sudden desperation is probably what led me to Bad Decision II.
II. FEBRUARY 2011 - JOINED FREE DATING WEBSITE
Being confined to the apartment and afraid of my Crazy Running Girl status crippling my prospects for a social life, I decided to join a free dating website. I was not 100% sure about this. I tried to make it explicitly clear that I was just looking to go out to places around the Chicago area, meet new people, and have fun. I said I was looking for "friendship" and set a geographic range of within an hour of Mokena, an age range, and a few other restrictions (no guys with kids, etc.). I made it ok for guys who met these requirements and were also looking for friendship to contact me.
So, I'm guessing the reasons that some dating websites are free is because they completely disregard your filters.
During the total of one hour I idly monitored my emails, I got many incoherent, often all-caps and unrecognizably misspelled, and occasionally really offensive declarations of love, most of them from men way out of my age range and in different states (in one case, a different country). Sometimes the same people who'd declared their love for me just minutes ago would then call me names for not responding. Well, I suppose they weren't all rude. There was a very polite and eloquent gentleman from Virginia, who looked like a frightened, skinny nerd in his pictures (yeah, he actually looked frightened in the pictures, maybe he should have smiled), who told me that he believed that there is someone for everyone and not to let the distance dissuade me because he would be willing to relocate for the right girl.
The one person I talked back to was the one person who actually did live within an hour of me, and was only one year too old for the date range I'd set. However, he was dead set on coming to my house.
Me: "I would be fine with meeting somewhere, but I'd rather go out, try something new."
Him: "Nah. I'll just get a six pack of something and come over to your place."
Me: "Well, the thing is, my apartment kind of sucks. Wouldn't you rather do something that's a little more... in public?"
Him: "No"
Me: "Sorry, I'm not comfortable meeting in private. Plus, I live with my big brother. My big, military, firearm-loving brother." (Okay, so I didn't actually say that stuff about my brother. And while it is true that he's big, in the military, and loves firearems, I am guessing he'd just laugh at my plight if I were in an awkward situation like this. Actually, what's more likely is he'd talk to Dating Website Guy and try to gauge DWG's love of firearms. If he found that DWG's love matched his own, he'd probably shove me toward him and tell me not to screw this up.)
I got off the computer for the rest of the day, and a few weeks later I remembered that I'd joined a dating website and it sucked and I should probably delete my account. But I couldn't remember my username or password. So, my profile is still out there, but guess what? I haven't gotten a single message from anyone since that first day. THEY DIDN'T REALLY LOVE ME! THEY WERE JUST TOO LAZY TO NAVIGATE PAST THE TOP OF THE "RECENTLY JOINED" LIST! I'm sure that once my fifteen minutes of fame were over, they moved right on to the next girl at the top of the Recently Joined list, didn't they? I mean, not that I cared. I bet she was prettier than me. Wasn't she?
III. FEBRUARY 2011 - AGREED TO HOST A MARY KAY PARTY
Shortly after my social networking fail, I got a call from my friend Maryam, who sells Mary Kay products. I guess part of the whole Mary Kay thing is you're supposed to try to get your friends to have parties too, and then try to get the people at those parties to have parties, and so on and so forth until you've built an impressive and moisturized army.
I am the last person who should host a Mary Kay party. I am not girly. I don't do girly stuff. I typically used maybe 3 makeup items, one I'd bought from Maryam and the others from the dollar bin at the end of the aisle at Jewel Osco. To top it off, I lived in a barely furnished apartment with my military, firearm-loving brother. The one saving grace was that my brother's taste in decor is actually surprisingly feminine; he'd put up a floral scroll, a few Impressionist prints, you know, Monet, Van Gogh, the usual. So I decided my apartment MIGHT provide a girly enough atmosphere for Maryam to do her thing, provided the guests didn't mind sitting on the floor.
So, I agreed. I blame the snow.
The party that I threw probably set Maryam's makeup-selling career back about five years. If it weren't for me, she might own that pink Mary Kay convertible or whatever the heck they give their top salespeople.
I couldn't really bring myself, my non-glamorous, makeup imbecile self, to create a facebook event that was JUST a Mary Kay party. So, I called it a "Mary Kay and Interpretive Dance Party." The event picture was me and a college roommate performing dance moves (actually, she was trying to shove me in the closet and I was resisting, but it looks like a dance) and I invited about 12 or 15 girls I knew (half of which had already been to a Mary Kay party for Maryam) to come jazzercise and enjoy a makeup presentation.
My facebook event caused mass confusion and fear. I heard that the girls I invited asked amongst themselves, "What is this? Is this really a thing?" I guess I can't say I blame them.
The reason I forgot to mention why I REALLY shouldn't have thrown this party is, when I throw parties, people don't come.
Two people showed up.
While this party was as damaging to my self esteem as it was to Maryam's career, she managed to move past it, and I threw two more (non-Mary Kay) parties over the course of the next year that were also attended by about two people each before finally banning myself from party-throwing. If only I could blame those other two parties on snow...
IV. DECEMBER 2010 - DENNYS
A group of my friends get together at the Denny's in Mokena every Christmas night. I'd said I would go many times, but I'm usually at my parents' in Momence on Christmas, and just have never been able to motivate myself to make the drive back because Christmas tires me out, not to mention I've usually gone way over my calorie limit for the entire week before noon on Christmas.
I always wanted to go, though. So, when I actually had the energy to make the drive on Christmas 2010, I decided I was GOING to Denny's... massive snowfall or no massive snowfall.
Somewhere in the cornfield wilderness between Momence and Mokena, I got a flat tire and had to pull into someone's driveway. It was a lone house out in the country, with no other houses within sight. And- I was stuck in the driveway.
Let alone not being able to change my own tire, I couldn't shovel myself out of the driveway. I got the shovel out of my trunk and tried my best, but nothing... I was stuck. And I had the feeling that this is how every horror movie begins. I wasn't the main character but the stupid girl who gets killed right at the beginning before they introduce the main plot. I was certain the next person I was going to see was going to be a serial killer dressed as Santa, or a clown, or Clown Santa, and wielding a chain saw.
At some point, my friends texted me and asked if I were coming to Denny's. "I can't," I responded. "My car broke down and I'm stuck in the snow."
Perhaps forty minutes later, my friends followed up by texting back, "Do you need help?" But by then my parents were on their way to rescue me, and the person who lived in the house had come out to investigate, showing no serial killing inclinations whatsoever.
I tend to tell this story to anyone who claims to want a white Christmas. I remind them that white Christmases can be deadly. However, no one seems to really care about my plight that Christmas night. Okay, I guess I didn't suffer tremendously, but it was cold, and I didnt' get to go to Denny's, and I had to get new tires, and there was that interval of time when I really thought that I might end up as clown food.
Just recently I was in a meeting at work with my boss and the majority of the Customer design team when the whole white Christmas campaign was brought up, and so I began telling my tale of woe. They were completely unsympathetic.
Coworker 1: Wow, you're still not over this, are you? You even look like you're still cold.
Coworker 2: No, she always looks like that.
Coworker 1: Is the point of this story going to be that you actually died that night, and the whole time you've been working here you've been a ghost?
Me (to my boss): Well, maybe I at least deserve a little more slack then, on account of being dead.
Coworker 3: Actually, I would think that should mean she doesn't need a lunch break.
And so, rather than sympathizing with my hatred of snow, they went on blithely wishing for it to be terrible, terrible weather on what is supposed to be the happiest day of the year. And I sat. And I listened. But I did not, no, I did not understand. And if you are among those hoping for a white Christmas this year, I hope that I did not offend you. I also hope that perhaps I've opened your eyes to the hidden dangers of snow. And also prepared you for any stupid decisions I will probably make the next time it hits us.