Three Ways NOT to Comfort a Single or Unemployed Friend

Most of us, at some points in our lives, will be in relationships while at other times we will be single.
Most of us, at some points in our lives, will be searching for jobs while at other times we will be employed.
Since neither status is set in stone or is encoded in our genes, there's no reason why having a status that differs from your friends should cause any kind of rift or lack of understanding. HOWEVER, a very uncomfortable social situation occurs when you are in a relationship or employed and your single/unemployed friend complains to you or expresses sadness about being single/unemployed.
This is awkward because
a) You can't say "I understand," because even if you were single or unemployed too until yesterday, your friend will not believe that you could possibly understand.
b) Unless you decide on the spot to hire your friend or ditch your current significant other to date your friend, you cannot help your friend.
Because you can't offer sympathy and can't offer help, you will understandably be tempted to offer some kind of meaningless comforting phrase like the three listed below. Drawing upon my own experience of being single and unemployed and complaining about it, I'm begging you, don't. You mean well, I know you do. But you're only widening the gap in understanding.

Non-Comforting Tactic #1: "You'll Find Someone/Something"

When you tell someone "You'll find someone," you are making a promise based on absolutely nothing. If your friend actually believed you, the conversation might go something like this:
IN RELATIONSHIP FRIEND: Don't worry! You'll find someone!
SINGLE FRIEND: How do you know?
IRF: Well, of course YOU wouldn't be aware of this, but being in a relationship gives you a certain level of clairvoyance. Therefore I can see your future while you, being single and lacking this sixth sense, cannot.
SF: WHOA! As if I didn't feel inferior enough! So... please tell me more! When will I find this someone? This year? Next year? Is there anything I might accidentally do that would alter the path of my future and somehow keep me from meeting this person? OH GOD, that would be terrible! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT NOT TO DO! My life is not my own now! I don't even know where to go to lunch... what if I choose Arby's at the last minute but was supposed to run into him at Steak n Shake?
IRF: Um... we relationship people can't tell outsiders TOO MUCH about the future... you know, prescience might cripple your single brain...
SF: Screw you, I'm buying a Magic 8 ball.

Just as bad (in fact, perhaps more annoying) is telling your friend that "Your match is out there somewhere" or "You just haven't found The One yet."
IRF: You see, the entire world is governed by laws of nature dictating that there is a perfect compatible match for every human being and that every human being will meet said match and have rewarding relationship with said match before child-bearing years are over. So, you just need to wait for nature to take its course.
SF: Interesting. Do these natural laws also dictate that my match will live in the same geographic region? Because, otherwise, it seems like there's a chance we might never actually meet.
IRF: Um, well, right NOW your match might live across the country, but eventually one of you will move to the other's area... you know, you'll be drawn to each other, kind of like magnets.
SF: So, by guaranteeing I'll find my match, you're also kind of guaranteeing I won't die in a fiery car crash before meeting my match. I mean, because, across the country, my match is probably being told by one of his friends who's in a relationship that his match is out there somewhere, and I can't die in a fiery car crash and prove his friend wrong.
IRF: Yeah, I guess.
SF: But you're in a relationship, so there's nothing preventing you from dying in a fiery car crash. Your match already met you.
IRF: ...Yeah, I guess.
SF: If you don't mind, I would rather drive places separately from now on.

There's not as much to say about the career aspect, because there aren't as many mystical beliefs or romanticized notions regarding finding a job. I did hear on the radio yesterday that there are three times as many people looking for jobs as there are positions available. So, when you tell your friend they're going to find a job, you're either really making a gamble, or you're promising to hire them. There's really only one graceful way out of this.

EMPLOYED FRIEND: You'll find a job!
UNEMPLOYED FRIEND: You're not just making a completely groundless statement based on nothing, are you? Because I may be unemployed but I'm not stupid.
EF: ...Of course not!
UF: It kind of sounds like you're calling me stupid, unless you're going to back up your claim with something that will actually make me feel better.
EF: Uh... I am hiring you right now... to stop complaining about not having a job... at a rate of $0.05 per day.
UF: Do I get paid time off?
EF: God, I hope not.

Non-Comforting Tactic #2: Relationships/Jobs Are Complicated, You're Lucky You Don't Have to Deal with Them

Yes, I actually have been told these things when single/unemployed. I have two basic arguments against this claim (even aside from the obvious that while you say that, I doubt you would trade relationship/employment statuses with me for anything in the world).

1. Complicated is not necessarily bad. Yes, being single or unemployed is simpler in a way because you don't have a relationship or job to put effort into or to screw up. But think about this. You're in a waiting room. You have two choices:
   A) You'll be given a crossword puzzle. It'll be a difficult one, at the top end of your ability level. You'll be thinking hard, you'll get frustrated. You might be close to crumpling it up and throwing it at the wall at some point. But then you'll take a break, clear your mind, think of another way to approach #19 down. "What if 'flower' in this case is a play on words so that it means a river and not a plant?" And you're back to the puzzle, in turns enjoying it and being perplexed by it, feeling accomplished as you fill in squares, not even noticing the passage of time.
   B) You'll be given nothing to do. You will sit. You will look around. You will feel a little bit of a sense of helplessness, because you don't know when anything is going to happen, when they're going to call your name. You feel awkward, like maybe you should be doing something right now, but there is nothing to do. Nothing to expend effort on. So you sit and stare.
   B is simpler, for sure, but who would choose B?
2. One could just as easily say that being in a relationship or being employed is simpler than being single or unemployed. Because either of those things defines you and binds you to someone/something, whereas if you don't have a relationship or a job, especially if you're trying to look for one, your life is a staggering maze of possibilities.
   For example, when you're single, a lot of social events can be challenging. You have to assess your standards. You have to assess your methods of trying to find someone. You have to constantly wonder how you're projecting yourself. You have to deal with people asking why you're single. You have to wonder what is a date and what is not. And you are vulnerable to all kinds of advances if you can't play the boyfriend card. Sure, you might say, but why can't you just SAY that you have a boyfriend when that 45-year-old 5' 2" tall guy with the creepy mustache swaggers over to you at the bar, elbows up beside you and asks what your story is? Yeah, you might be able to pull it off if you're a confident single person, but if you're socially awkward and a bad liar and feel like you have a SINGLE tattoo on your forehead, it's not easy.
   
   Mustache Man: So, are you single?
   Mustache Man Prey: Um, no, of course not. I'm not alone, someone cherishes me very much, I'm definitely not single and if I were single I would not be sad and bitter and defensive about it
   MM: Come again?
   MMP: Cough cough oh no tuberculosis acting up again bye
   
   Being unemployed can also put you in a very complicated position. It's actually like being self-employed, because looking for and applying for jobs is like a full-time job, one with no time off, no pay, and no guaranteed positive outcome.
   
   EF: Man, I hate having to make this commute every day and work my butt off for a boss who couldn't care less.
   UF: Man, I hated driving two hours to a job interview for a job I found out was part time so it could keep me from getting a full time job if I accepted it, but at the same time it's something, and I could possibly find another part time job to supplement it, so I'm still waiting to hear back from them, then driving another 45 minutes for an open interview that I found out was 100% commission so there would be no guarantee I could even pay my rent, then going through 35 emails from job sites I've subscribed to, deleting the rejection emails and trying not to take them personally, and trying to decide whether I should stay up half the night applying to more jobs to increase the chance that someone, anyone might call me back or surrendering to the overwhelming sense of fear and despair gnawing at me and burying my face in my pillow and/or some vodka.
   EF: So, basically, you were on the computer for half the day. I don't see what the problem is.

Non-Comforting Tactic #3: Getting Unreasonably Excited about People or Jobs Your Friend Is Not Interested In

Again, I know you mean well, and maybe you are genuinely excited about this person your friend doesn't like or this job that would make your friend miserable, because at least it's something, it's hope, right? But please, keep your excitement on the inside if this is someone/something your friend does not seem at all excited about. Otherwise, you make your friend feel like a pity case, and run the risk of sending the message, "You should be desperate by now; anyone/anything should be good enough for you."

Example One: The Creepy Guy

IRF: Heyyy! I was outside taking call from my boyfriend, but did I happen to see a certain 45-year-old, 5' 2" tall guy with a creepy mustache chatting you up at the bar?
SF: I'm not interested in him.
IRF: But he came up and talked to you! That should make you feel good! A guy likes you!
SF: Well, actually, even though I'm not seeing someone right now, I hadn't yet considered the possibility that I was completely unattractive and undesirable to all guys, so I'm kind of hurt that you're so surprised and happy right now.
IRF: It's just good to see you going out and meeting people, finally.
SF: Hey, you don't necessarily even know about all the people I meet! I turned down a date just last week...
IRF: Really? With who?
SF: Ummm... a guy
IRF: Surrreee
SF: Fine! It was a guy sitting across the aisle from me on the Metra with his shirt on backwards and brown teeth
IRF: Why'd you turn that down? Sounds like his teeth might go well with your hair
SF: JUST BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SINGLE FOR 2 YEARS DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO DATE ANYTHING WITH A Y CHROMOSOME AND A PULSE
IRF: So... are you saying I should modify that ad I put up on Craigslist on your behalf?

Example Two: The Interview for the Degrading Job

EF: What are you up to today?
UF: I have a job interview at Burger King.
EF: Yay! An interview!
UF: No. You see, this is the Burger King next to my house that has had a huge sign in the window saying NOW HIRING, PLEASE APPLY, NEED PEOPLE BAD for the past few months. I could have gotten an interview there any time I wanted, but I'm just now getting desperate enough to go in. It's not an accomplishment, and if I do get this job, I'm going to have to lie about where I work and why I smell like fries.
EF: Hey, it's still a job, and you should be proud. It's something.
UF: True. It is something. It exists. It is definitely not nothing.
EF: Good luck!
UF: I don't know what you're possibly wishing me luck on, other than not impulsively crashing my car on the way there. Or the fact that I lied about my age and education level on the application and I'm hoping I don't slip up on that and further humiliate myself.
EF: Maybe one of these days I can come in and you can make me a burger!
UF: You would never eat at Burger King. You've said that on multiple occasions.
EF: ...I could at least come in and get a soda and say hi. You'll remember I like easy ice, right?
UF: I'll try my best.
EF: Aw, you did graduate with honors with a double major in communications and art history, I'm sure you'll do fine. Seriously though, no more than 3 ice cubes, k. And make sure it's diet.

 In conclusion, none of the issues listed above should actually be issues. Anyone's relationship or employment status could change in a second- no one is protected against change, no one is guaranteed change. However, when the division between you and your single or unemployed friend is suddenly made painfully clear when they complain and look to you for a response you know they don't even want to hear, don't just say empty words. Say "I know." Say you hope things get better. And silently realize that happiness is dependent on more than relationships or jobs, and hope that happiness comes regardless.

Realizing New Year's Is Meaningless and Offers No Hope: A Timeline

7:00 a.m.
YES! It's 2014! Clean slate! Freedom from all the ways I screwed up my life and the horrible person I became in 2013. From now on it's going to be nothing but gym gym gym all the time eat nothing but vegetables be stellar at work love everyone never say negative things be best girlfriend ever have clean house reconnect with friends do more freelance work plant trees not suck anymore save money use free time wisely get new job in the city and make a budget and be responsible and awesome and happy and always wear sunscreen.

9:00 a.m.
It's ok. I'll have a better workout tomorrow. Now, to interact with people.

12:00 p.m.
I am really struggling with this not sucking anymore thing.

1:00 p.m.
I am a complete mess. I think I am missing a very important part of what it takes to make someone a functioning human being. Why am I saying and doing these stupid things? It's like watching a train derailing. I am grounding myself from social functions until I can fix myself somehow.

2:00 p.m.
I don't think it was 2014 EVERYWHERE in the world yet when I had that minor breakdown. Tomorrow will be the first FULL day of 2014. And you know what that means...
gymgymgymallthetimeeatnothingbutvegetablesbestellaratworkloveeveryoneneversaynegative...

I've never been good at keeping people in my life. In a journal I wrote a few years ago, I said I hated being in the Momence/Bourbonnais/Kankakee area because "it's full of ghosts." Some of the people are still there, but most are gone, and there are all of the places and all of the memories.
I'm no longer so terribly averse to going back there to visit, but I'd never want to live there again. I'd live anywhere else first. I would never want to move back to any of the towns where I've lived previously. If I got a job in Plainfield, I'd deal with an hour commute not to live there.
But there's one place where you can never get away from the reminders of how things have changed and that's Facebook.
A few years ago one of my friends shut down his Facebook account. I remember his last post before he deactivated his account was how he felt so free, and it was like graduating high school all over again. I didn't understand it back then. I didn't see how it was such a big deal. Maybe I do now, because I'm about to cancel my internet (by October 1, if I can get in touch with AT&T) and I feel free. Granted it's more than just freedom from Facebook, it's freedom from all my internet vices. I decided to cancel when my one-year promotional price ended, meaning the cost doubles, but I'm realizing that even aside of financially this will probably change my life for the better. There will be no more wasted evenings (I don't have TV either), no more hours on end spent reading comedy sites, and I can put some distance between myself and the ghosts.
What am I going to do with that time now? I don't know. But it'll have to be different from what I've done before. Maybe the simple act of cutting off internet will finally prompt me to make positive changes in myself that have been needed for years. If you make changes you can control, maybe the things in your life that have changed beyond your control won't hurt so much anymore.
"The world changes. We do not. Therein lies the irony that finally kills us." -Antonio Bandares, Interview with the Vampire

You watch the actions, you hear the words, and you wonder who this person is because she disgusts you. You can't reconcile your feelings with the fact that she is yourself, and somehow you have something to do with this unredeemable blob spewing her constant streams of stupidity. It would be better if she were always alone, when she's alone she's paralyzed, and just sinks into her couch, every minute getting closer and closer to becoming nothing. You feel like she might want to change, but that emotion can't possibly run very deep. It's just something that flickers across the surface. Because beneath, it's just empty.

The best emoticon ever

Last night, while watching Sweeney Todd and being somewhat intoxicated, I felt the need to text my boyfriend an emoticon that was expressive of great angst. However, my phone's library of smileys had nothing that suited this need. I realized I was going to have to put on my creative hat and invent my own angsty emoticon.
My first attempt was kind of on the right track:
:-[
But it wasn't quite angsty enough. My second attempt, however, was even more uninspired:
:/
Finally, at 2:32 a.m., enlightenment found me and I produced the absolutely stunning masterpiece below:
Love yo:-[:-[angst
This is effective on so many levels:

• Double the faces for double the angst
• Actually incorporates the word "angst" into the emoticon
• Tricks you by making you think it's going to be an "i love you" text and then BAM, you're hit with the angst

Aaron either was busy or had the discretion to ignore these texts, which is fortunate, because I don't really know what would have spewed forth from my phone if he had asked for any kind of explanation.
Good lord, I suck. I'll never drink again, probablypossiblymaybedoubtfulnevermind.

Strange Things My Brain Does

I'm sure there are plenty. But in this post I'm going to limit it to three.

1) JUSTIFICATION OF PAIN
Whenever I hurt myself (stub a toe, bump my head against something, trip and fall), the first thing that goes through my mind, other than the pain, is a short and frantic list of reasons I deserve it. Yes, I see papercuts and bitten lips as justice, and I find absolution in bee stings. For example, yesterday I slammed my knee so hard against the handlebars of an exercise bike at the gym that it is now swollen and turning varying shades of red and purple. When this happened, I froze there on the bike for a minute, jaw clenched and eyes filling with tears as the pain pulsed through my leg, and what was going through my mind was:
That's what you get, Mandie, remember that really socially awkward conversation you had with your coworker yesterday, and that muffin you ate from the gas station even though you're supposed to be giving up gas station food, and last night when Aaron wanted to watch a movie but you just fell asleep, and God your car is a mess, and you have fat thighs, and there was that one time you drunk texted your boss.
(I should note that I think I believe on a subconscious level that drunk texting my boss is the worst thing that I've ever done, because when I'm feeling bad about myself or like a complete failure, I always encourage myself by telling myself, "At least you didn't drunk text your boss... today." It always works. If I can go the rest of my life without drunk texting my boss again, maybe I can actually work my way toward building something akin to self-esteem.)
I do appreciate the exercise bike and its swift, effective justice. I feel like that was supposed to teach me a lesson. The lesson was probably one about adjusting the seat height before I ride the bike, but my messed-up brain holds out hope that pointless pain will actually make me a better person on some deeper level. I'd been screwing up a lot lately. That handlebar was sent to keep me in line.
Along these lines, my dentist thinks I should get my lower right wisdom tooth out. She actually wrote me a referral for all three of my remaining wisdom teeth, as a better-safe-than-sorry kind of thing.
I am considering the surgery as a means of keeping myself in line. If I could somehow get them taken out separately, in different operations over the course of a year, that would be AWESOME. I mean, no matter how bad I screw up, having oral surgery every couple of months would definitely be enough to even out the universe.

2) FOOD PURCHASE SHAME
I feel extremely ashamed when purchasing food. I feel ashamed going to grocery stores, though at least I can tell myself they might be thinking it's for other people, and there is the glorious refuge of the self-checkout aisle. But despite these reassuring factors, the grocery store is still terrifying because it usually contains LOTS of people to witness my shame, so I have an empty fridge most of the time.
I feel ashamed buying food at fast food restaurants if I'm by myself. If I'm with another person, it's ok somehow, but you will never see me in a McDonalds or Wendys solo.
But the absolute worst shame comes from gas station food purchases. I hate myself more when I'm in a gas station than I do at any other time. I kind of feel like instead of crappy burritos and clif bars, I'm buying clown porn. I hate the fact that some of the gas station clerks recognize me. I hate the look in their eyes, the knowing smirk, as they ring up my purchases. They can tell when someone's addicted to clown porn. No matter how many times she tells herself she's clean now, she'll ALWAYS be back for more.
My goal when buying gas station food is to get in and out as quickly as possible without anyone making eye contact or conversation and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD do not comment on what I'm buying or ask if I'm hungry. You wouldn't try to guess my mood based on the type or volume of clown porn I was purchasing, at least not out loud, and I see this as a vice just as bad, so LET ME DESTROY MYSELF IN PEACE.
I actually boycotted a gas station for a while because the clerk commented, "Hey, you don't look like your usual self today. Everything ok?"
She was just being nice, but the fact that my "usual self" would be registered at the place where I hurriedly buy my clown porn and scurry out as fast as I can just kind of shattered me. I wasn't even capable of buying anything. I just said, "I'm fine," forced a smile, and left the store with no string cheese. (I did buy string cheese later at a Walgreens to make up for this deprivation.)
But, you know I'll always be back. I lasted several weeks but finally found myself in that gas station again, and guess who was working.
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while!" she chirps as she rings up my porn.
"That's probably a good thing," I utter, my eyes darting back and forth as I clutch the bag tightly to my chest and prepare for the sprint to my car.
On that note, I swear that starting tomorrow I'm giving up gas station food. This time really for good... I mean it... why don't you believe me...

3) BOWLING
I don't bowl often, and it's been years since I read the Dark Tower series, but every single time I step up to throw the ball, this phrase goes through my head: "I do not bowl with my arm. He who bowls with his arm has forgotten the face of his father."
I really can't make it stop. It's probably a good thing I don't bowl often.

Bridal Shower Review

So, I know I said I wanted to write a blog for every day in April, but I am experiencing a period of low-even-for-me self esteem currently, and I kind of hate everything that comes out of my mouth and fingers, so most of my posts were deleted shortly before or after publication. I guess also I am more comfortable with failure than success because it's what I'm used to, and if I ever actually accomplished a goal, it might cause me to have some kind of identity crisis, possibly followed by a dissociative fugue, and all resulting in me wandering the streets in a homemade gladiator outfit, occasionally pausing to curse people in Latin or eat things off the ground. Anyway, despite my fear of success (yes, that's what I will blame for all my failures from here on out), I am going to go public with this blog because I SPECIFICALLY said that on the sixth, I would write a play by play of Maryam's bridal shower, and, maybe one time out of ten, I am a woman of my word.

Anyone who points out that today is actually the seventh is a jerk.

The Bridal Shower (initial points = 0)

+1 point: Bridal shower is held very close to Cool River
-1 point: Bridal shower is held early in the day, prior to Cool River being open
-1 point: Bridal shower not catered by Cool River, even though it would have been SO easy
+1 point: Bryan actually in attendance at shower
+1 point: Bryan wearing spiffy pink shirt
+1 point: Maryam wearing pink dress that matched Bryan's shirt (I can only assume she planned her wardrobe to match his choices)
+1 point: Meal was saturated with cheese but also contained enough vegetables that I could convince myself it was healthy
+1 point: Cookies with frosting
+1 point: Cupcakes with frosting
-1 point: I think I gained five pounds in one sitting
-1 point: Maryam stating that Green Day and Coldplay are the same band
-1 point: Maryam stating that Green Day and Coldplay are the same band, even AFTER she and I were like front row center as Green Day played a two and a half hour set at Lollapalooza and I thought it was a magical experience we shared that would be etched in her memory forever, but, hey, maybe not, whatever
+1 point: Really pretty centerpieces at each table that were vases with flowers and lots of orange bead things in them
+1 point: Because my birthday was closest to Maryam and Bryan's wedding date, I won the centerpiece at my table
-1 point: I then had horrible visions of orange bead things filling my car, my apartment, and my cats' stomachs
+1 point: I gave the centerpiece away to someone hopefully less accident-prone who was enthralled by it, and therefore I accomplished my good deed for the day
+1 point: Maryam gave very touching thank you speech for the gifts
-1 point: None of the gifts was a new puppy

TOTAL POINTS: 4

Now, that may not seem like a lot, but you see, this works kind of like the stars assigned to movies where 4 is actually a pretty high rating, and unless your bridal shower earns the Cool River bonus or the new puppy bonus, you really can't hope to do a whole lot better than this.

If I made a mistake tallying up the points, anyone who points that out is a jerk.