I don't want to look bug-eyed anymore

Part One: The Social

I had a friend tell me once that when I'm in a social situation, like a party or group outing, I kind of look at everyone with this wide-eyed look on my face that seems to be begging, "Please like me, please like me." That was years ago, but it's stuck with me ever since. Partly because I don't know why this is a bad or at least an inexcusable thing. This friend said it as if it truly bothered him/her (identity protection). I didn't like hearing it, but I'd think he/she could understand why I look like that, given my history of an almost complete inability to form or maintain friendships and also of having resting bitch face.
Do I want people to like me? Yes. Guilty as charged. I honestly don't know if I'm an introvert or an extrovert. While I may look extremely unapproachable, be uncomfortable in most situations, be afraid of everyone, suck at talking and socializing, be really quiet, give off radioactive introvert vibes, and have resting bitch face, I really hate being alone. I like people. Unless I feel like they're judging me or my face.
Recently, I went to one day (turned out only being half a day) of Riot Fest by myself. My friend Evan was performing at 12:45 on Saturday, so I got there at noon, figuring that would be plenty of time to make his set. I was wrong. I had to go to the end of one of the longest lines I'd ever seen. Shortly after I got in line, a trio of males who seemed to be around my age got in line behind me, laughing and sharing anecdotes of how much fun they'd had yesterday, how muddy they'd gotten, and how hilarious one of them had been after drinking too much.
After I'd been in line for a little bit, I heard someone ask, "What about you, with the blonde hair? Who are you excited about seeing?"
I self-identify as a brunette, but a quick glance around revealed everyone nearby's hair to be a much darker brown than mine. "Me?"
The person who'd asked me this question was named Zack, and he seemed to be this trio's ringleader. I explained to him that I was here to see a friend's band, really hoping I could get in in time, and was here by myself. He said no problem, I could hang out with him and these two awesome guys he just met yesterday!
Just met yesterday? How do you forge friendships so quickly? Could I learn from this person? Regardless, I had people now! "What bands are you planning on seeing?" I asked.
I didn't like any of the bands he wanted to see. Oh well who cares, as long as I get to see Evan's band (check watch again) I'm sure any band I see at Riot Fest will be fun. So I nodded approvingly and said "Ok!"
We waited in line a while longer. During this time the guys talked about bands they'd seen, music, etc. I liked a lot of the music they liked, maybe didn't know music as well as they do (haven't followed music since Q101 went off the air and also don't play any instruments, having played piano a decade ago doesn't count) but worked myself up to making a small contribution every now and then and dammit if I didn't have the most wide-eyed "like me" face, I probably did, though I might have messed that up because I was kind of preoccupied with the time and worried I wouldn't get to see Evan. So maybe I appeared uptight. Who knows? Zack was anything but uptight and kept the conversation running. He asked questions to the group like what superpower would you have if you could have any superpower. I was astounded. If you can ask that question of people you just met, you have to be pretty socially adept. If a really socially awkward person asks that question, people end up thinking they're asking it for serious purposes or for some R-rated graphic superhero novel they're going to write about you when they get home instead of just as a jolly topic of conversation.
At one point Zack mentions how at Riot Fest this year, even though he ended up having to go alone, he's already made "two... and a half? Friends. She's ok, when she talks."
How is it ok to say this about someone, right in front of her?
Zack continued, "She's thinking, I don't have time for these people, I don't have the energy to keep up with these young folks."
Are those the kind of vibes I'm giving off? And why is it ok to talk FOR someone right in front of her? And HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?
At around 12:40, the line exploded. Like, it stopped being a line. Everyone simultaneously got fed up and decided to charge the entrance. And I saw my new half-friends running beside me. And I saw them looking at me, and veering to the right to go to a different entrance.
I had tried. But I was alone. I had lost my people. They even knew exactly where to find me because they knew what band I was heading for, but they consciously decided to ditch me. WHAT ABOUT OUR HALF FRIENDSHIP? I EVEN TOLD YOU WHAT SUPERPOWER I WANTED!
For the rest of the day, I wandered around narrating my actions in my head as if I were some unapproachable ice goddess and not the sexy kind of goddess but the kind with fear and trembling and stuff. Look at her walk among the crowds. She is in them, but not of them. I could mingle with humanity but only briefly before they realized I was something else, something entirely unrelatable and unappealing.
At some point a young woman asked me, "Would you like to come inside of our interactive van?"
DEAR GOD YES I DID. I DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF INTERACTION GOES ON IN THERE. JUST DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE OUT HERE.
Luckily, I ended up not dying in the van, just looking at some screens with stuff on them, pressing a button, and installing an app on my phone that I don't think ever actually installed.
That was my only interactivity that day, sadly, but I did go to see the bands that the ice goddess saw fit to bless with her presence.

Part Two: The Purpose

Women like to hate each other. We have to reinforce the rules that career life track women don't hate those who sacrificed career for family and vice versa. But there's no rule saying I can't hate anyone, because when God sat down at His computer and popped in His heavenly version of The Sims so He could create a Mandie, He didn't really give her a life track or whatever those things were called, that might have actually been in The Sims 2. And I don't know what the cheat code is to give your Sim a life track (or whatever it's called) if you accidentally forgot to give your Sim one, so until then... what is my purpose?
I don't know. I used to really want to find out what happened next on The Walking Dead, but it's kind of sucked since season 3, and don't even mention The Winds of Winter because IT'S NEVER HAPPENING, EVER.
At the age I'm getting to be, someone should have a purpose.
When you're in your late twenties, make sure you never stay out too late or drink too much in a college town. I made this mistake recently. You'll have to deal with people checking your ID commenting on how old you are.
Why do they comment on how old I am? Maybe they're worried I'll walk into this college bar and get my cougar on. Maybe even the person checking IDs is younger than me and worried this desperate, drunk, nearly-tri-generian is gonna cougar all over him. "PLEASE MARRY ME BEFORE MY BUTT STARTS TO SAG, I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE BRIDES WHO HAVE TO WEAR SPANX UNDER THEIR WEDDING DRESSES"
More likely, they wonder how I've gotten to this stage in life and don't have anything more important to do than go out to a college bar on a Saturday night.
So, what should my purpose be? I guess I really do like to sleep. Well, I can't really sleep in past 7 a.m., never have been able to, but if you catch me on a good night, not to brag or anything, but I can go to bed at 8 or 9 o'clock and keep that goin' ALL THE WAY til 7 a.m. I know, right? Gifted.
So I'm either a really old college student or a really young octogenarian.

Part Three: The Function

I have an English degree. It's not an English Education degree. I have zero education certificates. Having an English degree does not qualify you in any way to be a teacher. I am not a teacher. I can't be a teacher. I never wanted to be a teacher. That is why I'm not using my English degree to be a teacher.
Glad we got that out of the way.
When you work at a technology company and you're the only one there not with a technology background, you're going to feel desperate to feel that you have any sort of function in the company.
During daily standups, you're going to feel like that same bug-eyed girl you were years ago when you were criticized by your friend. "Please give me work to do. Please need me. Please."
You wonder if it's really the same type of impulse, the same type of desire, as the desire for social acceptance. Fitting in to some larger structure. Working, somehow.
Because whether we're talking about a party, society as we understand it, or a software company, nobody wants to be alone.

Three threes

Three Songs I Am Obsessed With

1) Gemini Syndrome. "Stardust."

"It's no mistake, you are perfect, you are perfect in my mind, and you won't fade away."

I know the title sounds kind of lame but the harmony during the chorus touches every atom in my heart. This song is musical perfection. I might even cheat on "No Apologies" with it and make it my new lover in song form. 

The music produced by the fictional Bill and Ted was prophesied to "align the planets and bring them into universal harmony, allowing meaningful contact with all forms of life, from extraterrestrial beings to common household pets." One can only assume that they changed their band name from Wyld Stallyns to Gemini Syndrome, because I sang this song to Katniss the other day and I swear she understood every word.

2) Switchfoot. "The Blues."

"Are you discontented? Have you been pushing hard? Have you been throwing down this broken house of cards? It'll be a day like this one when the world caves in, when the world caves in."

SAD PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, I GIVE YOU YOUR ANTHEM. To prepare myself for the Switchfoot concert I'm going to next month, I started listening to all their albums, starting with the newest and working my way backwards. But... I never got past "Nothing Is Sound," which I think is around the halfway point in their career. I've listened to it four times... so far. To me, this is the most honest of their albums and expresses the most feeling. If you're feeling sad and you want to listen to a song that will let you fully indulge your sadness but still somehow give you the impression things will be ok, this is the one for you.

3) Thousand Foot Krutch. "Fly on the Wall."

"I'm on the run from a thief that I let into my head. I know I hold the keys so don't be scared when I turn and shout... I don't think I need you anymore, take the hurt and the pain, I don't need it... I want to live, I want to be the change"

If I listened to this song at the beginning of every day, I think I could finally turn things around. To me, this song is me singing to myself. When I'm listening to this song, and only when I listen to this song, do I actually feel like I can finally defeat me.

Three Things Me from Ten Years Ago Would NEVER Believe if Now Me Told Her

1) Hey Mandie. You know how the Lord of the Rings trilogy is kind of your sole reason for existing and set your social development back by at least five years? Well, guess what. Ten years after you wept all through the ten redundant endings of Return of the King while seeing it in theaters for the fifth time, Peter Jackson is going to come out with ANOTHER epic trilogy based on Tolkien novels, and it's going to have a lot of the same characters (whether it makes sense for them to be there or not), and... you're not going to care for it. In fact, the only reason you even saw the second one is because your boyfriend bargained with, plead with, and eventually threatened you (but then you had the last laugh because he fell asleep during it). Seeing and not liking the Hobbit movies is actually going to make you feel deeply sorry for all the friends you tried to force to give Lord of the Rings a chance in high school because HOW COULD THEY NOT LIKE MOVIES LIKE THIS? It's ok not to like movies like this... you're not even sure if you do anymore.

2) Hey Mandie. Would you believe that in ten years, music (the playing and performing and studying thereof, not the listening to, as made obvious by the first list) will have no place in your life... and you're fine with that? I know it's a big part of your life now, and you're struggling with the fact that you're not talented and want so much to get better, but... eventually you'll just stop. It will never even occur to you to sing in the car anymore, and you're more than cool with never owning a piano. (You will occasionally sing Gemini Syndrome to your cat, but that's about it.) And you're not sad about it. You've realized it's not you.

3) Guess what, Mandie... you and your brother are going to be roommates for a while. What? You don't believe me? Would it help if I explained that this will happen just after his army stint and your stint as an armed security guard at a nuclear power plant... Ok, now I see you completely don't believe me anymore and you're walking away, probably to go play the piano or watch some Lord of the Rings. Life is going to take you some strange places, Mandie, and your mind is going to have to open up a lot. 

Three Lessons I Just Can Never Learn

1) SALADS ARE A LIE

"Oh, I think I'll be healthy and order a salad."

Mandie, your eating of a salad has three phases:

1) Devour all the toppings from the salad. Basically, what you're shoveling into your mouth is a blend of diced tomatoes, cheese of some kind, croutons, often cheese of another kind, and some type of olives or meatstuffs. If you got an entire bowl of this, it would be considered an almost suicidal act of cholesterol raising, but they put it on lettuce so it's ok.

2) Having eaten everything but the lettuce, turn your eyes to the salad dressing (always on the side, because salad dressing is bad for you and you shouldn't eat it, but always blue cheese, because if I'm going to get something and not eat it I might as well get my favorite of the non-edible things). See if it has blue cheese chunks in it. Eat all of the chunks. If the liquid surrounding the chunks is tasty, look for something to dip in it. You usually don't think to dip lettuce in it because you don't think of lettuce as food, but if someone is offering you the french fries they can't finish, french fries + blue cheese = delicious.

3) At this point, you have nothing but a large bowl of undisturbed lettuce in front of you. The waiter will ask if you want a box, because the majority of the volume of the food you ordered remains (but none of the calories). No, of course you don't want a box. You don't have a rabbit at home.

MANDIE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP ORDERING SALADS, YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE YOURSELF HEART FAILURE. 

2) YOU'LL NEVER BE GLAD YOU HAD THAT THIRD BEER

You are actually acutely aware of this at all times but one time: when you're basking in that post-second-beer euphoria. When you've finished or are about to finish two beers, the third beer seems to be not only your destiny but the entire point of your existence. When asked if you want a third, you have images of yourself and the beer running towards each other in slow motion across a flowery meadow while the theme from Romeo and Juliet plays in the background and you prepare yourself to leap into its hoppy embrace. The next day as you examine your sub-par figure with dismay, you will wonder how the relationship with beer that started out just like Romeo and Juliet ended up as a tragedy.

3) THERE HAS TO BE A GRAY AREA

I don't think you're capable of learning this lesson, Mandie. You see every day as either perfection or a complete failure. Because of this, once you've slipped up at all and been less than perfect, you just want to throw the rest of the day away so that you can get started on the next morning and make it perfect. Don't you wonder why ALL your days are failures? Don't you wonder why you have to draw a black X through every single number on the calendar because you screwed it up? Do you really think you'll ever be able to circle one because it was perfect?

Yes, you do. Because you have to. It's the ridiculous belief that keeps you going. Well, a combination of your ridiculous belief and that Thousand Foot Krutch song.

Glorious Tribute to a Golden Age, or "Too Much Free Time at Work"

Recently my coworker Dave and I decided to begin a project. Dave had downloaded the top 101 lists from each year that Q101 was on the air, and we decided to listen to all the playlists for a nostalgic journey. Then I decided we should blog our top 5 from each year. Then I decided we should include a "fun fact" about each of the songs. And Dave said rather than fun facts, we should include an explanation where applicable of why this song was on the list, and any special memories it conjured.
At first I was like, "That sounds like a lot of work and like it requires having had a life during these years!" But then I started writing the blog and it became a feverish labor of love. Q101 was my friend, my family, my traveling companion, my anti-depressant, my solace in tough times. And they did lots of funny stuff like prank calling people and making fun of Wisconsin and things. I know this blog is long and actually probably has information in it that I will later regret sharing, but I want you to read it. If not for the sake of all the effort that went into this, for the sake and the legacy and the glory of the Q101 that was.
(Note: I feel the first few years are kind of weak because I wasn't actually aware of music when it was actually coming out until about 1997. Granted, I've become familiar with 1994-1996 music in the years since, but my recollections on these songs aren't as personal.)

1994- In the beginning, there was Green Day

1. Green Day. “Basket Case.”
   FUN FACT: When Green Day were first trying to make it as a band, the punk scene refused to take them seriously because the band members were good-looking and they did lots of songs about girls and relationships and had lots of lovestruck fangirls at their shows. According to a documentary I watched, it wasn’t until they transitioned from relationship songs to songs about Billie Joe’s mental illness that they really had a turning point. Thus “Basket Case” equals the beginning of Green Day’s career and of a whole new world that was beautiful and divine and had issues with paranoia. There’s no better song to kick off this list.
2. Offspring. “Come Out and Play.”
   This is one of my favorite songs to thrash around to. When I played drums on this song in Rock Band, it was always possible that this would finally be the time I broke myself and/or the drum set, but we always pulled through.
3. Alice in Chains. “Got Me Wrong.”
4. Candlebox. “Far Behind.”
5. Green Day. “When I Come Around.”

1995- The year representing the height of Weezer’s career and simultaneously the beginning of their long descent into crappiness, culminating in recent albums that represent the defilement, slaughter, and pooping on the grave of music

1. Weezer. “Say It Ain’t So.”
   Singing this song with my sister while air-guitaring and drinking beers in a Chinese karaoke bar is one of my favorite memories. And I think it was captured on video.
2. Live. “All Over You.”
   This song always seemed to me to represent everything that love, real love, was. You were just so full of love that you wanted to explode all over the whole world n stuff. And eventually I ended up dating someone who quoted this song to me, well, sort of.
   “Our love is like water. It’s stored in elephants”
   -A. Davis
3. Bush. “Everything Zen.”
4. Bush. “Come Down.”
5. Live. “Lightning Crashes.”
   I guess this song is kind of creepy. It’s about an old woman dying in a hospital and instantly being reincarnated as the baby being born down the hall, as far as I can tell. It’s just understood that since there is an angel watching over the whole proceedings, the old woman was NOT evil and the baby is NOT now a horcrux.

1996- The year of songs expressing a sad, sweet, maybe kinda violent longing

1. Oasis. “Don’t Look Back in Anger.”
   This song just pulls at my heartstrings. Especially just this one chord change, it makes me feel a beautiful sadness. And typically I don’t like Oasis at all. When I first became infatuated with the song I remember looking up its meaning and whether “Sally” was an actual person. I found a quote by the songwriter saying no not really, but if it helps him hook up with a cute girl named Sally, then so much the better. Well, that was the basic quote but I edited it to take out the severe Britishness. Mothers, watch out for your Sallys.
2. Soundgarden. “Blow Up the Outside World.”
3. Bush. “Swallowed.”
   Does anyone ever know what Bush is talking about? I sure don’t. So why do their songs always make me feel feelings?
4. Stone Temple Pilots. “Trippin on a Hole in a Paper Heart.”
   FUN FACT: While there has been much speculation about the meaning of the song’s mysterious lyrics, the STP frontman is quoted as saying it’s actually just about a bad acid trip.
5. Stabbing Westward. “What Do I Have to Do?”

1997- The year Sarah McLachlan and Jewel almost killed alternative and I had so little to work with, unless you like Smashing Pumpkins which I don’t, that I had to include a Blink 182 song

1. Foo Fighters. “Everlong.”
   When we would gather with others and play Rock Band, my friend John and I had an “Everlong ban.” NO ONE COULD PERFORM EVERLONG. We loved this song. It was sacred. We did not want to see it disrespected by the plastic guitars and faltering vocals of mere amateurs.
2. Green Day. “Hitchin’ a Ride.”
   What an awesome song. It reminds me of the many Green Day concerts where this song marked the halfway point (and lasted about 25 minutes). The fact that they stretched it out so long makes me think that it was their favorite to perform. Or maybe it was the easiest. Either way. Good times.
3. Matchbox Twenty. “Push.”
4. Our Lady Peace. “Superman’s Dead.”
   I don’t like superhero stuff in general, and I desperately desperately hope the world is not a Subway, especially if we’re talking the restaurant, but I do enjoy songs about the demise of Superman apparently. Another of my faves is “No One Likes Superman Anymore” by I Fight Dragons. Chorus lyrics: “No one wants to know the man who stands for things we outgrow. He’s too noble and too blind. We’re all older now, and we don’t need someone to care about the innocence we’ve left behind.”
   So, in other words, NO Aaron, I will not see Man of Steel 2 with you. Probably.
5. Blink 182. “Dammit.”
   So, I hate Blink. All their songs only have 2 notes in them. But in this song, they take those two notes and they just keep pounding those notes with a relentless driving energy, telling a story that is somehow relatable and makes you feel like those two notes are part of you, and this is your story, and you DO, after all, guess that this is growing up.

1998- The year Q101 and Kiss FM were pretty much playing the same exact songs because the definition of rock had become so blurry, and most of the songs that were contenders this year were songs I remember hearing on the school bus

1. Foo Fighters. “My Hero.”
2. Everclear. “I Will Buy You a New Life.”
   I actually saw this song and #5 at an Everclear/Eve 6 concert in 2012. Thinking myself very witty, I told my fellow concertgoers, “We’re gonna party like it’s 1999!” Guess I was off by a year.
3. Harvey Danger. “Flagpole Sitta.”
   This song is just so damn fun to sing. And it kind of influenced my blog title. DON’T SUE ME
4. Fastball. “The Way.”
   I loved summer back then. Not just because I loved warmth and hated cold but also because I hated school more than any other preteen I’ve met. I also developed a deep terror of my own mortality around 1998. I remember listening to the lyrics of this song and feeling a longing so powerful I could feel my heart beat along with the tune: “And it’s always summer, they’ll never get cold. They’ll never get hungry, they’ll never get old and gray.”
5. Eve 6. “Inside Out.”
   Was there ever a lyric so glorious as “Wanna put my tender heart in a blender, watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion?” My sister and I didn’t think so, back then. We’d happily sing along to this song as my mom shook her head and wondered what had happened to the little girls she’d hoped would grow up only ever desiring to listen to Sandi Patti and the Out of Africa soundtrack.

1999- The year alternative rock continued to flounder around and wonder who it was, much like 1999-era Mandie

1. Offspring. “The Kids Aren’t Alright.”
2. Stroke 9. “Little Black Backpack.”
3. Metallica. “No Leaf Clover.”
4. Vertical Horizon. “Everything You Want.”
   I have always enjoyed sharing fun facts about music, and I remember as this song played on the radio sharing with my father something I’d heard about Vertical Horizon: “Any of their lyrics could be interpreted as being about God.” My dad, hating the non-Sandi-Patti music coming out of the car radio but seeing my hand blocking the dial to change the station, scoffed that that’s true of ANY pop music.
   Um Dad. Have you listened to pop music in the past 50 years? (He hasn’t.) You CAN’T just replace the object of all these songs with Jesus. There’s a whole South Park episode that illustrates that. In fact, let’s just try plugging God into some of the songs on this list, and I’ll be generous and only include the songs that are directed toward one other person who is a love interest. Would you tell God you wanted Him all tattooed, you wanted Him to be bad? Would you call God a parasitic psycho filthy creature finger-banging your heart? I know concepts of God differ from religion to religion but I would venture to say that THESE ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE HYMNS in any church. See, Dad, Vertical Horizon is special and I made a valid point. You don’t know NOTHING about my musics, YOU WAS NEVER MY AGE, NONE OF YA.
   I feel better now.
5. Chris Cornell. “Can’t Change Me.”
   This haunting song comes to us from Chris’s solo album Euphoria Morning. Just the title of that album makes you feel happy, doesn’t it? I think that given the choice I’d rather listen to this solo stuff than most songs by Soundgarden or Audioslave or that other collaboration he did where he sang about going hungryyyYYYYYYYYYY.

2000- The year that Creed and Limp Bizkit, seeing the vulnerability of late-nineties-weakened rock music, decided to take it out like a wounded antelope

1. Lifehouse. “Hanging By a Moment.”
   All the joys, sufferings, and struggles of life can be found in Lifehouse’s first two albums. These three wonderful men got me through many of my struggles with life and faith and myself. But this particular song just made me want to run around in happy circles. It was always convenient when I’d hear it before track practice.
2. Matchbox Twenty. “Bent.”
   This was my favorite song for a while. I was determined, still, to bring my dad into the world of my music, or at least have him concede that it existed. (As you see in my story about #4 from last year, he fought me with all his strength on this one.) MY DAD WAS GOING TO LEARN THE NAME OF AT LEAST ONE SONG I LIKED. He didn’t even have to know what it sounded like or recognize it, but he had to learn the name. Come on Dad. It’s one word. One syllable. FOUR DAMN LETTERS. But he was so resistant to this devil music that the title could not be retained in his brain.
   It took years. I wish I were kidding. By the time my Dad finally remembered that my favorite song was called “Bent,” this was no longer my favorite song, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him, so I masqueraded as a Bent-lover for a while after it had been replaced. (My new favorite song was called “The Beginning,” double the words and quadruple the syllables, and I figured that would require Dad having to tattoo himself like the guy in Memento.)
3. Linkin Park. “One Step Closer.”
   Here is a picture of me and Keith performing this song in a Rock Band contest at a casino. I walked up and down the stage and pointed at people for the SHUT UP parts.
   

   

   
   
4. Lit. “Miserable.”
5. Three Doors Down. “Loser.”

2001- The year Linkin Park and Jimmy Eat World started taking it back

1. Jimmy Eat Word. “Bleed American.”
   NOT SO FUN FACT: This song and the album on which it was the title track were originally called “Bleed America.” However, shortly before its release, terrorist attacks on the nation caused the band to rethink this title and change it to “Bleed American.” As an English major who was taught to obsess over minute issues involving word choice, I like to use it as an example of what a difference one letter can make.
2. Disturbed. “Voices.”
3. Offspring. “Want You Bad.”
   It’s an uplifting song. There’s this straight-laced girl and the singer is contemplating her, thinking she has the capacity to become the wild and sexy woman of his dreams. Maybe even awkward loserly Mandie has such capacity! And then I’m brought back to reality by one of my favorite quotes from The Simpsons:
   Kindergarten teacher: And the ugly duckling turned into a beautiful swan. So you see, there is hope for everyone.
   Bart: Even me?
   Kindergarten teacher: No.
4. Linkin Park. “In the End.”
   NERDIEST THING YOU WILL EVER HEAR. EVER.
   Mollie and I liked to play The Sims when we were in high school. We also liked Lord of the Rings. We downloaded this thing called Sims Art Studio where you could upload pictures and turn it into wallpaper or carpeting for your Sims’ houses. Mollie created wallpapers for the entire Lord of the Rings cast. When I was shopping wallpapers for my Sim houses, I will always remember that the Galadriel wallpaper was captioned by the lyrics to this song, and I didn’t really know why.
   Years later, I guess not much has changed. I’m at work, testing the Description of Operations Text Library feature for CSR24, and I just have to type some text, any text…
   “One thing I don’t know why, it doesn’t really matter how hard you try”
   The CSR24 team doesn’t really like what I’ve done to their database.
5. Prime STH. “I’m Stupid.”
   They’re from Sweden. Sweden is not ALL horrible horrible pop music.

2002- The comeback year. The year it got good again. We survived you, Limp Bizkit. We survived you, Kid Rock. WE EVEN SURVIVED SARAH MCLACHLAN. We’re gon-na make it af-ter allllll

1. Jimmy Eat World. “Sweetness.”
   FUN FACT: I read somewhere that Jimmy Eat World got their band name from one of the band member’s stories of his older brother, Jimmy. Jimmy was an overweight child who tormented his younger brother, and once in a fit of retaliation, his brother drew a picture of him eating the entire planet, captioned “Jimmy Eat World.” I avoided this kind of retaliation from my own younger sibling by setting strict rules about how I could be depicted artistically, but I’m sure she may still have had some “Mandie Eat World” pics stashed under her bed or something.
2. Stone Sour. “Bother.”
3. Local H. “Hands on the Bible.”
4. Hoobastank. “Crawling in the Dark.”
   Hoobastank had some good stuff. Can you please find it in yourself to forgive them for “The Reason?” Please?
5. System of a Down. “Toxicity.”

2003- The year Evanescence proved to me that I really can like music with a female vocalist.

1. Disturbed. “Remember.”
   Me: When I saw David Draiman sing ‘Remember’ live, it was one of the most emotional moments of my life. It’s the first time I think I ever empathized with a bald person.
   Aaron: Do you think the song is about him remembering when he had hair?
2. Evanescence. “Bring Me To Life.”
   Evanescence has been called a female-fronted Linkin Park. I guess I can understand, because all of the songs on their debut album are about feeling a supreme misery and needing to break away from it before it destroys you. Like many a Linkin Park song. Mollie and I used to speak of creating a musical following a day in the life of a man who sings only Linkin Park lyrics and a woman who sings only Evanescence lyrics, but it would probably cause mass audience suicide.
3. Linkin Park. “Numb.”
   Tired of being what you want me to be, feeling so faithless, caught under the surface… Every step that I take is another mistake to you (caught in the undertow, caught in the undertow)
   Sounds like someone is going under, eh?
4. Brand New. “The Quiet Things that No One Ever Knows.”
5. Evanescence. “Going Under.”
   Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you, but you still won’t hear me, I’m going under… Falling forever
   Ok. It’s official. Evanescence REALLY needs to hook up with Linkin Park. I know soul mates when I see them.

2004- A year of musical ecstasy.

1. Green Day. “Boulevard of Broken Dreams.”
   Hear that? NO, IT’S NOT THE INTRO OF WONDERWALL, YOU IDIOT. It’s the sound of Green Day TAKING OVER THE FREAKING WORLD.
2. Incubus. “Megalomaniac.”
   God I love you Incubus. This song has such an irresistible intensity. I don’t really know what it’s about, but I’m totally with you. Totally.
3. Muse. “Hysteria.”
   Hysteria is one of the sexiest songs ever written. For years, I wanted Hysteria played at my wedding. I have since matured somewhat and decided I would settle for Muse’s more wedding-appropriate song “Starlight.”
   “But Mandie, doesn’t the groom have a say in this?” you ask. Well yeah, he is completely free to suggest any song to be played at his wedding, as long as it is by Muse and not from their shitty Resistance album.
4. Muse. “Time Is Running Out.”
   This one is pretty sexy too. I’m just sayin.
5. Switchfoot. “Meant to Live.”
   Beautiful-Letdown-era Switchfoot is best described in this excerpt from an essay my sister wrote about going to a Switchfoot concert. It was written in Chinese and then Google translated into English.
   2004 time, my parents give me pleasantly surprised--Has bought the concert ticket for me and my elder sister! At that time I had not looked that famous orchestra the concert, I had not vainly hoped for actually can have the idols to me which the opportunity sees with one's own eyes I most to love! Attains the parents to mine concert ticket, I looked at them to ask: “this is really?” They nodded the confirmation, I have been crazy, was screaming in the rear court has run several circles.
   That first orchestra can be a fill wonderful recollection. That time is excited I to be even unable to describe. Let alone I, other audience person very is also crazy. Goes on stage to Switchfoot, I and the elder sister are pulled open by the frantic audience. Lucky is our two leaves the stage really very near, to is precisely the time all uses the arm which the opportunity feels initiates.
   Switchfoot sang me to find the elder sister. She said to me that, ” I have traced the biceps which initiates “. I said that, ” I have grasped a tricep “.

2005- BUT WHAT WILL I DO AFTER I WEAR OUT MY AMERICAN IDIOT TAPE, I asked, and Fall Out Boy gave me an answer.

1. My Chemical Romance. “Helena.”
   I ****ing love this music video. I think this is what finally got me over my intense fear of my own mortality that, as you read earlier, originated in 1998. I realized that death could be awesome and dramatic and emotional and Gerard Way filled and… you should not get me started on Gerard Way. (Cough) Moving on to #2!
2. Jimmy Eat World. “Work.”
   This song is the perfect song for a car ride on a summer day. Particularly if you’re not the one that has to drive, you’re the one that gets to think. It always evokes this vague longing in me. I am reminded of the longing I feel when I watch a certain music video about a certain funeral and DAMN IT, let’s move on to #3.
3. Disturbed. “Stricken.”
   I’m ok now. Disturbed may be a lot of awesome things but they are not sexy.
4. Fall Out Boy. “Sugar, We’re Going Down.”
   The sad thing about Fall Out Boy is most of my favorite songs by them never made it on to the radio. If you asked me for a list of my top 10 Fall Out Boy songs, I’m guessing few if any of them were singles. That’s not to say their singles aren’t good; this song, for example, always makes me happy.
5. Breaking Benjamin. “Sooner or Later.”
   The CD this song is on is really good. It has a bald person on it. He kind of looks like he’s remembering when he had hair.

2006- The year of memorable performances

1. Incubus. “Anna Molly.”
   FUN FACT: This song is sexy. Yeah, that qualifies as a fact.
2. 30 Seconds to Mars. “The Kill.”
   This is the song that was playing when I touched Jared Leto. A lot of people were groping him, including the woman I was pressed against who had the worst B.O. I’ve ever encountered, but that didn’t matter. In that moment there were only the two of us (me and Jared, not me and smelly lady). I savored it and etched it in my memory forever, also using a small part of my brain to wonder why his skin was so cool and dry and not sweaty like most musicians that I’ve groped, and was he some part of reptile and/or robot.
3. 30 Seconds to Mars. “From Yesterday.”
4. Fall Out Boy. “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race.”
   Mollie rewrote this song to be about Gimli in the Mines of Moria. It was called “This Ain’t a Mine, It’s a Dwarf Tomb.” Excerpt of lyrics:
   I am an ore miner
   Fitting you with weapons in the form of rings
   And don’t really ca-a-are what creature carries it
   As long as his ears ain’t pointy, that’s just the business I’m in, yeah
5. Three Days Grace. “Animal I Have Become.”
   Best described by an excerpt from a prior blog entry:
   In the middle of "Animal I Have Become," the lead singer decided to have a fight with a hat on a stick.
   Yes. You read that right.
   He got really mad at that hat. "You know what? I'm not the animal! You are! You just smoke your cigarettes, and drink your beers, and you know what? You've become the animal! Not me! NOT ME! And you're the one who needs to leave!"
   Then he faced the other way and talked for the hat for a while (I think. I don't really know what was going on and I don't think anyone did. Everyone was just looking lost and confused and like they wanted to go home). "No! You're the animal! You've become it! You said so in the lyrics of the chorus earlier!" (I am paraphrasing a little)
   "Okay, so maybe I am the animal! But so what! F*** YOU!" (repeat) (go back to song)
   Now, if a band that was anywhere near edgy tried to do this, it might work. No, it wouldn't work. But it would work better than it did for Three Days Grace. They need to learn that as a band, they have two options:
   a) Be edgy.
   b) Have a song where the chorus is "All I want is a little of the good life! All I need is to have a good time! Whoa oa oa oa oa! The good life!"
   And, Three Days Grace, I am sorry, but you went with option B. Final answer.

2007- The year Rise Against inspired us to change the world! Drastically! Somehow!

1. Rise Against. “Prayer of the Refugee.”
   Listening to this song--pretty much this whole album--makes me feel like--no, makes me KNOW--I JUST HAVE TO GET OUT THERE AND DO SOMETHING! I HAVE TO TAKE BACK WHAT'S MINE AND FIX THIS WORLD! ...but idk how. So I'll just stay here and listen to the next track.
2. Breaking Benjamin. “Breath.”
   Aaron threatened to break up with me because I picked “Animal I Have Become” over “Diary of Jane” in 2006. I make this selection of “Breath” not to extend an olive branch but to recognize another great Breaking Benjamin song off another great album. This is, in my mind, superior to Diary of Jane and, had it been in the prior year, might have beaten “Animal,” regardless of hat-on-a-stick persuasion factor.
3. Sick Puppies. “All the Same.”
   Even though I can’t say I have a tormented relationship similar to the one described in this song, it makes me think and weep and feel feelings.
4. Rise Against. “The Good Left Undone.”
5. My Chemical Romance. “Famous Last Words.”

2008- The year my favorite weird fun little nerd band got some mainstream attention

1. Avenged Sevenfold. “Afterlife.”
   My life probably peaked when I was playing Rock Band and managed to do the entire screaming part in the middle of this song in one breath. There were people there and they clapped. I will never do anything that impressive again.
2. Ludo. “Love Me Dead.”
   FUN FACT: Ludo does a multi-character rock opera called Broken Bride. It’s only about 30 minutes long but still manages to tell a complex story that includes time travel, pterodactyls, the zombie apocalypse, some kind of dragon thing (?), multiple suicides, and a touching love song. Last I heard it had been staged only in New York, using puppets.
   Ludo is the most approachable band I’ve ever met. And I’ve met like maybe 3 bands. I told them about my French-speaking aunt. My friend Manny asked them all about how they came up with Broken Bride and whether anyone in their band was a “Go Getter Greg.” And Cirena once presented them with a prop from the movie “Contagion,” telling them any time they thought of Chicago or contagion in general, to think of her.
   Seriously, if you ever get a chance, go see this band. They accepted my weirdness more than people in my high school did.
3. Fall Out Boy. “I Don’t Care.”
4. Muse. “Knights of Cydonia.”
   I mean we could even play this at our wedding, I guess, it wouldn’t be my first choice but I’m not picky as long as it’s not any of that Resistance **it.
5. Offspring. “You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid.”
   One of those high-energy late-00’s Offspring songs (also think Hammerhead, Half-Truism) that convinced me that no, Offspring are not getting old, and furthermore they’re going to take over the world and it’s going to be glorious and disturbing and violent and awesome.

2009- The year when there was a lull

(Most of my favorite bands weren’t doing much this year, and there weren’t a lot of contenders for top songs. Not that the music was bad by any means, just not much for the ages.)

1. Chevelle. “Jars.”
   I don’t know what this song is about, probably soil conservation or something but then what’s all this talk about stabbing, idk, but man do I love the way they say the word “jars.”
2. Rise Against. “Audience of One.”
   The lyrics of this song truly are the ache felt by everyone who has grown up and grown apart and mourned the passage of time and the lost relationships and all those things they tried so hard for but just couldn’t keep in their grasp… in other words, the human race.
3. Muse. “Uprising.”
   Oh crap, this was on Resistance, wasn’t it? Ok. There were two good songs on Resistance, this and “Unnatural Selection.” But in order to avoid confusing hypothetical future wedding planners, I’m just going to tell them to stay away from the entire album.
4. Chevelle. “Letter from a Thief.”
5. Incubus. “Black Heart Inertia.”
   Wasn’t Black Heart like an evil Care Bear or something? This song is enjoyable, but wouldn’t have made the top 5 in a stronger year.

2010- The year dedicated to the memory of The Rev

(Interestingly enough, I saw all of the songs in this list in concert, in 2010.)

1. Avenged Sevenfold. “Welcome to the Family.”
   FUN FACT: Avenged Sevenfold got their name from the story of Cain and Abel in Genesis; specifically, it’s a reference to God’s promise that anyone who harmed Cain would be avenged sevenfold. That’s more Bibly than you’d expect from the band that does a love song about a guy doing his wife’s corpse and then being stabbed to death by her ghost.
2. Switchfoot. “Mess of Me.”
   During a year when it seemed like everything in life was falling apart, Switchfoot was there to make me believe I could put myself back together. This song actually had a pretty powerful uplifting effect on me. Thanks, bros.
3. My Chemical Romance. “Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na).”
   Any commentary I provide on this song will definitely result in Gerard Way getting a restraining order against me. Incidentally, I almost called 2010 “the year Gerard Way dyed his hair red and it really looked surprisingly hot…”
4. AFI. “Beautiful Thieves.”
   I remember waiting for AFI to perform at Lollapalooza 2010. My friend Maryam and I happened to be standing by some really snotty emo kids. One of them swore at us for not looking like we cared that it was his friend’s birthday. I don’t usually willingly participate in moshing, but you know how I hate people saying stuff about my face/facial expressions, so I was out for blood. Emo kid blood. By the time this fist-pumping anthem was performed, I had already lost Maryam (I figured I’d find her eventually) and I had transformed myself into a flailing, shoving, entire-weight-hurling AFI enthusiasm bomb. It’s possible that I did “take a little life.” A little skinny-jean-wearing life. But it’s ok. “No one will care at all.”
5. Avenged Sevenfold. “Nightmare.”
   If you have only heard the version of this song without the xylophone intro, you’re missing out. This is quite probably the most badass song ever to feature a xylophone.

Three Ways NOT to Comfort a Single or Unemployed Friend

Most of us, at some points in our lives, will be in relationships while at other times we will be single.
Most of us, at some points in our lives, will be searching for jobs while at other times we will be employed.
Since neither status is set in stone or is encoded in our genes, there's no reason why having a status that differs from your friends should cause any kind of rift or lack of understanding. HOWEVER, a very uncomfortable social situation occurs when you are in a relationship or employed and your single/unemployed friend complains to you or expresses sadness about being single/unemployed.
This is awkward because
a) You can't say "I understand," because even if you were single or unemployed too until yesterday, your friend will not believe that you could possibly understand.
b) Unless you decide on the spot to hire your friend or ditch your current significant other to date your friend, you cannot help your friend.
Because you can't offer sympathy and can't offer help, you will understandably be tempted to offer some kind of meaningless comforting phrase like the three listed below. Drawing upon my own experience of being single and unemployed and complaining about it, I'm begging you, don't. You mean well, I know you do. But you're only widening the gap in understanding.

Non-Comforting Tactic #1: "You'll Find Someone/Something"

When you tell someone "You'll find someone," you are making a promise based on absolutely nothing. If your friend actually believed you, the conversation might go something like this:
IN RELATIONSHIP FRIEND: Don't worry! You'll find someone!
SINGLE FRIEND: How do you know?
IRF: Well, of course YOU wouldn't be aware of this, but being in a relationship gives you a certain level of clairvoyance. Therefore I can see your future while you, being single and lacking this sixth sense, cannot.
SF: WHOA! As if I didn't feel inferior enough! So... please tell me more! When will I find this someone? This year? Next year? Is there anything I might accidentally do that would alter the path of my future and somehow keep me from meeting this person? OH GOD, that would be terrible! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT NOT TO DO! My life is not my own now! I don't even know where to go to lunch... what if I choose Arby's at the last minute but was supposed to run into him at Steak n Shake?
IRF: Um... we relationship people can't tell outsiders TOO MUCH about the future... you know, prescience might cripple your single brain...
SF: Screw you, I'm buying a Magic 8 ball.

Just as bad (in fact, perhaps more annoying) is telling your friend that "Your match is out there somewhere" or "You just haven't found The One yet."
IRF: You see, the entire world is governed by laws of nature dictating that there is a perfect compatible match for every human being and that every human being will meet said match and have rewarding relationship with said match before child-bearing years are over. So, you just need to wait for nature to take its course.
SF: Interesting. Do these natural laws also dictate that my match will live in the same geographic region? Because, otherwise, it seems like there's a chance we might never actually meet.
IRF: Um, well, right NOW your match might live across the country, but eventually one of you will move to the other's area... you know, you'll be drawn to each other, kind of like magnets.
SF: So, by guaranteeing I'll find my match, you're also kind of guaranteeing I won't die in a fiery car crash before meeting my match. I mean, because, across the country, my match is probably being told by one of his friends who's in a relationship that his match is out there somewhere, and I can't die in a fiery car crash and prove his friend wrong.
IRF: Yeah, I guess.
SF: But you're in a relationship, so there's nothing preventing you from dying in a fiery car crash. Your match already met you.
IRF: ...Yeah, I guess.
SF: If you don't mind, I would rather drive places separately from now on.

There's not as much to say about the career aspect, because there aren't as many mystical beliefs or romanticized notions regarding finding a job. I did hear on the radio yesterday that there are three times as many people looking for jobs as there are positions available. So, when you tell your friend they're going to find a job, you're either really making a gamble, or you're promising to hire them. There's really only one graceful way out of this.

EMPLOYED FRIEND: You'll find a job!
UNEMPLOYED FRIEND: You're not just making a completely groundless statement based on nothing, are you? Because I may be unemployed but I'm not stupid.
EF: ...Of course not!
UF: It kind of sounds like you're calling me stupid, unless you're going to back up your claim with something that will actually make me feel better.
EF: Uh... I am hiring you right now... to stop complaining about not having a job... at a rate of $0.05 per day.
UF: Do I get paid time off?
EF: God, I hope not.

Non-Comforting Tactic #2: Relationships/Jobs Are Complicated, You're Lucky You Don't Have to Deal with Them

Yes, I actually have been told these things when single/unemployed. I have two basic arguments against this claim (even aside from the obvious that while you say that, I doubt you would trade relationship/employment statuses with me for anything in the world).

1. Complicated is not necessarily bad. Yes, being single or unemployed is simpler in a way because you don't have a relationship or job to put effort into or to screw up. But think about this. You're in a waiting room. You have two choices:
   A) You'll be given a crossword puzzle. It'll be a difficult one, at the top end of your ability level. You'll be thinking hard, you'll get frustrated. You might be close to crumpling it up and throwing it at the wall at some point. But then you'll take a break, clear your mind, think of another way to approach #19 down. "What if 'flower' in this case is a play on words so that it means a river and not a plant?" And you're back to the puzzle, in turns enjoying it and being perplexed by it, feeling accomplished as you fill in squares, not even noticing the passage of time.
   B) You'll be given nothing to do. You will sit. You will look around. You will feel a little bit of a sense of helplessness, because you don't know when anything is going to happen, when they're going to call your name. You feel awkward, like maybe you should be doing something right now, but there is nothing to do. Nothing to expend effort on. So you sit and stare.
   B is simpler, for sure, but who would choose B?
2. One could just as easily say that being in a relationship or being employed is simpler than being single or unemployed. Because either of those things defines you and binds you to someone/something, whereas if you don't have a relationship or a job, especially if you're trying to look for one, your life is a staggering maze of possibilities.
   For example, when you're single, a lot of social events can be challenging. You have to assess your standards. You have to assess your methods of trying to find someone. You have to constantly wonder how you're projecting yourself. You have to deal with people asking why you're single. You have to wonder what is a date and what is not. And you are vulnerable to all kinds of advances if you can't play the boyfriend card. Sure, you might say, but why can't you just SAY that you have a boyfriend when that 45-year-old 5' 2" tall guy with the creepy mustache swaggers over to you at the bar, elbows up beside you and asks what your story is? Yeah, you might be able to pull it off if you're a confident single person, but if you're socially awkward and a bad liar and feel like you have a SINGLE tattoo on your forehead, it's not easy.
   
   Mustache Man: So, are you single?
   Mustache Man Prey: Um, no, of course not. I'm not alone, someone cherishes me very much, I'm definitely not single and if I were single I would not be sad and bitter and defensive about it
   MM: Come again?
   MMP: Cough cough oh no tuberculosis acting up again bye
   
   Being unemployed can also put you in a very complicated position. It's actually like being self-employed, because looking for and applying for jobs is like a full-time job, one with no time off, no pay, and no guaranteed positive outcome.
   
   EF: Man, I hate having to make this commute every day and work my butt off for a boss who couldn't care less.
   UF: Man, I hated driving two hours to a job interview for a job I found out was part time so it could keep me from getting a full time job if I accepted it, but at the same time it's something, and I could possibly find another part time job to supplement it, so I'm still waiting to hear back from them, then driving another 45 minutes for an open interview that I found out was 100% commission so there would be no guarantee I could even pay my rent, then going through 35 emails from job sites I've subscribed to, deleting the rejection emails and trying not to take them personally, and trying to decide whether I should stay up half the night applying to more jobs to increase the chance that someone, anyone might call me back or surrendering to the overwhelming sense of fear and despair gnawing at me and burying my face in my pillow and/or some vodka.
   EF: So, basically, you were on the computer for half the day. I don't see what the problem is.

Non-Comforting Tactic #3: Getting Unreasonably Excited about People or Jobs Your Friend Is Not Interested In

Again, I know you mean well, and maybe you are genuinely excited about this person your friend doesn't like or this job that would make your friend miserable, because at least it's something, it's hope, right? But please, keep your excitement on the inside if this is someone/something your friend does not seem at all excited about. Otherwise, you make your friend feel like a pity case, and run the risk of sending the message, "You should be desperate by now; anyone/anything should be good enough for you."

Example One: The Creepy Guy

IRF: Heyyy! I was outside taking call from my boyfriend, but did I happen to see a certain 45-year-old, 5' 2" tall guy with a creepy mustache chatting you up at the bar?
SF: I'm not interested in him.
IRF: But he came up and talked to you! That should make you feel good! A guy likes you!
SF: Well, actually, even though I'm not seeing someone right now, I hadn't yet considered the possibility that I was completely unattractive and undesirable to all guys, so I'm kind of hurt that you're so surprised and happy right now.
IRF: It's just good to see you going out and meeting people, finally.
SF: Hey, you don't necessarily even know about all the people I meet! I turned down a date just last week...
IRF: Really? With who?
SF: Ummm... a guy
IRF: Surrreee
SF: Fine! It was a guy sitting across the aisle from me on the Metra with his shirt on backwards and brown teeth
IRF: Why'd you turn that down? Sounds like his teeth might go well with your hair
SF: JUST BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SINGLE FOR 2 YEARS DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO DATE ANYTHING WITH A Y CHROMOSOME AND A PULSE
IRF: So... are you saying I should modify that ad I put up on Craigslist on your behalf?

Example Two: The Interview for the Degrading Job

EF: What are you up to today?
UF: I have a job interview at Burger King.
EF: Yay! An interview!
UF: No. You see, this is the Burger King next to my house that has had a huge sign in the window saying NOW HIRING, PLEASE APPLY, NEED PEOPLE BAD for the past few months. I could have gotten an interview there any time I wanted, but I'm just now getting desperate enough to go in. It's not an accomplishment, and if I do get this job, I'm going to have to lie about where I work and why I smell like fries.
EF: Hey, it's still a job, and you should be proud. It's something.
UF: True. It is something. It exists. It is definitely not nothing.
EF: Good luck!
UF: I don't know what you're possibly wishing me luck on, other than not impulsively crashing my car on the way there. Or the fact that I lied about my age and education level on the application and I'm hoping I don't slip up on that and further humiliate myself.
EF: Maybe one of these days I can come in and you can make me a burger!
UF: You would never eat at Burger King. You've said that on multiple occasions.
EF: ...I could at least come in and get a soda and say hi. You'll remember I like easy ice, right?
UF: I'll try my best.
EF: Aw, you did graduate with honors with a double major in communications and art history, I'm sure you'll do fine. Seriously though, no more than 3 ice cubes, k. And make sure it's diet.

 In conclusion, none of the issues listed above should actually be issues. Anyone's relationship or employment status could change in a second- no one is protected against change, no one is guaranteed change. However, when the division between you and your single or unemployed friend is suddenly made painfully clear when they complain and look to you for a response you know they don't even want to hear, don't just say empty words. Say "I know." Say you hope things get better. And silently realize that happiness is dependent on more than relationships or jobs, and hope that happiness comes regardless.

Realizing New Year's Is Meaningless and Offers No Hope: A Timeline

7:00 a.m.
YES! It's 2014! Clean slate! Freedom from all the ways I screwed up my life and the horrible person I became in 2013. From now on it's going to be nothing but gym gym gym all the time eat nothing but vegetables be stellar at work love everyone never say negative things be best girlfriend ever have clean house reconnect with friends do more freelance work plant trees not suck anymore save money use free time wisely get new job in the city and make a budget and be responsible and awesome and happy and always wear sunscreen.

9:00 a.m.
It's ok. I'll have a better workout tomorrow. Now, to interact with people.

12:00 p.m.
I am really struggling with this not sucking anymore thing.

1:00 p.m.
I am a complete mess. I think I am missing a very important part of what it takes to make someone a functioning human being. Why am I saying and doing these stupid things? It's like watching a train derailing. I am grounding myself from social functions until I can fix myself somehow.

2:00 p.m.
I don't think it was 2014 EVERYWHERE in the world yet when I had that minor breakdown. Tomorrow will be the first FULL day of 2014. And you know what that means...
gymgymgymallthetimeeatnothingbutvegetablesbestellaratworkloveeveryoneneversaynegative...

I've never been good at keeping people in my life. In a journal I wrote a few years ago, I said I hated being in the Momence/Bourbonnais/Kankakee area because "it's full of ghosts." Some of the people are still there, but most are gone, and there are all of the places and all of the memories.
I'm no longer so terribly averse to going back there to visit, but I'd never want to live there again. I'd live anywhere else first. I would never want to move back to any of the towns where I've lived previously. If I got a job in Plainfield, I'd deal with an hour commute not to live there.
But there's one place where you can never get away from the reminders of how things have changed and that's Facebook.
A few years ago one of my friends shut down his Facebook account. I remember his last post before he deactivated his account was how he felt so free, and it was like graduating high school all over again. I didn't understand it back then. I didn't see how it was such a big deal. Maybe I do now, because I'm about to cancel my internet (by October 1, if I can get in touch with AT&T) and I feel free. Granted it's more than just freedom from Facebook, it's freedom from all my internet vices. I decided to cancel when my one-year promotional price ended, meaning the cost doubles, but I'm realizing that even aside of financially this will probably change my life for the better. There will be no more wasted evenings (I don't have TV either), no more hours on end spent reading comedy sites, and I can put some distance between myself and the ghosts.
What am I going to do with that time now? I don't know. But it'll have to be different from what I've done before. Maybe the simple act of cutting off internet will finally prompt me to make positive changes in myself that have been needed for years. If you make changes you can control, maybe the things in your life that have changed beyond your control won't hurt so much anymore.
"The world changes. We do not. Therein lies the irony that finally kills us." -Antonio Bandares, Interview with the Vampire

You watch the actions, you hear the words, and you wonder who this person is because she disgusts you. You can't reconcile your feelings with the fact that she is yourself, and somehow you have something to do with this unredeemable blob spewing her constant streams of stupidity. It would be better if she were always alone, when she's alone she's paralyzed, and just sinks into her couch, every minute getting closer and closer to becoming nothing. You feel like she might want to change, but that emotion can't possibly run very deep. It's just something that flickers across the surface. Because beneath, it's just empty.